on words, and self-esteem

We were at the supermarket yesterday and ran into an acquaintance of the hubs. The man's wife was with him, and asked how old Becky and Ro are. Now Becky is of an average height for her age -- I've seen her with the rest of her class, and she is neither tall nor short. Ro, on the other hand, is tall for her age -- she is always the tallest in her classes, and most people never guess that she's just four.

Well, when people see Rebecca out alone, they don't think anything of it, but when they see her together with her little sister, their respective heights become comparable; and sometimes, like this bright woman, they would say -- loud and clear, right in front of her -- "She's not very big is she?".

And as I would say that no, her height's in fact pretty average, they would actually start disputing this, while Rebecca would be casting me these pained, stricken glances. Eventually I would politely smile and lead the kids away, and then be constrained to remind Rebecca that what these people say doesn't matter, that she's perfect just the way she is, and that ultimately, it's what's inside that counts.

But what is it with these dimwits and their lack of tact? Perhaps if someone said the same thing to that woman about her kid, she might well agree, while casting a critical, appraising eye over her child. It's not that being small is a bad thing, mind; it's the disparagement, the denigration, that goes with the observation. That is not something I will support or encourage -- young girls are under enough pressure from the world to look and behave a certain way as it is.

I guess adults usually have the upper hand when it comes to saying insensitive, belittling things to children, generally because children are simply too immature to formulate an adequate response. Instead, they absorb what they hear -- good or bad -- into their psyches, shaping their characters over time for better or worse.

Almost two years ago, I wrote a post about Marilyn Monroe and my hopes for my own daughters' self-esteem. In it, I quoted from the book The Secret Life Of Marilyn Monroe by J. Randy Taraborrelli: "... during [Marilyn's] pregnancy... she said, "'My little girl is always going to be told how pretty she is'… She was sure it would be a girl. 'When I was small, all of the dozens and dozens of people I lived with – none of them ever used the word 'pretty' to me. I want my little girl to smile all the time. All little girls should be told how pretty they are and I'm going to tell mine, over and over again'".

I went on to write: "How very, very sad. I do, in fact, know something of what she meant, which is why I always make sure to tell my daughters not only how beautiful they are, but how smart, and wonderful, and capable, and powerful they are too". If you have a quick look at that post, you'll see pictures of a book Becky had been writing in at the time; asked "How would you sum yourself up in one sentence?", she wrote: Fabulous.

I'd written that "I would love for my daughters to keep summing themselves up this way for the rest of their lives". I'm glad to say that Becky and Ro are still as spunky and confident as ever, despite their rubs with the real world, with all its false images and ideals, and tactless, insensitive adults. These latter individuals have unfortunately always been a bugbear in my own life, and it's annoying as heck to have to deal with them now that I have my own children.

As an example, I had wonderfully obtuse relatives who would feel compelled to say every time they saw me that I was pucat, a Malay term for "pale". While this does not seem especially bad  writing in English, it made me feel horrible as a child, for they were saying it critically, mockingly even, implying that I looked ashen, almost corpse-like. As I went into my tweens and the pointless observation continued, I tried to tan myself into a more acceptable shade, but, as anyone with fair skin knows -- you don't tan, you burn. Thankfully, I gave up on that scheme soon enough, but it was a long while before I learnt to shrug off such remarks.

In my post on the perception of beauty, I'd written, "One is bombarded daily by images of physical perfection, never mind how unrealistic, Botoxed or Photoshopped. Our culture creates impossible standards of beauty, and then somehow connects those standards to personal worth. It isn't always easy to learn to accept one's body without judgement".

Well, those same obtuse people would of course be making their observations on every other area of my life -- these were either direct criticisms, or else of the indirect comparison variety; as in, "Why can't you be more like so-and-so", or "So-and-so is so feminine, so neat, etc etc". I don't know if it's a girl thing, but I do know that these words affected me a great deal growing up, as they did my other girlfriends who were subject to the same thing. And now my own kids have to face this same mindlessness.

I don't understand these people -- most of them are parents themselves, and I would have thought they'd know better. But perhaps sensitivity is an inborn trait, something an inherently tactless person can only acquire with great effort. I see that those same insensitive relatives have not changed much in the past 40-some years -- just the other day, my aunt, on seeing me pottering about at home in my batik bermudas, goes, "Well, you're certainly not going to win 'Mother-of-the-year' -- you look like someone on skid row".

I'm thinking, I'm at home, I'm pregnant, I'm just trying to be comfortable and I'm so glad to have found lounge-y clothes that fit -- and you make these unnecessary, uninspiring remarks (this same lady, by the way, has been continually telling me how radiant the duchess of Cambridge is looking in her pregnancy; never mind that she's at least a decade younger).

It's often these very same day-to-day interactions that shape a person's self-image and sense of worth; I know from my own experience that these seemingly mundane exchanges can often have very profound effects. Every day is full of opportunities for us to build up or tear someone down; as a parent, I would like to think that I'm doing all I can to boost my own girls' self esteem -- goodness knows, there are enough discouragers out there -- and that does mean keeping a thoughtful guard on my mouth. Praise for their actions and accomplishments; appreciation and encouragement of their unique skills and qualities; reassurance that they are beautiful as they are; being done with the whole comparison trap... these are just some of the things I try to incorporate into our exchanges every single day.

My girlfriend sent me an excellent article from SheKnows.com, entitled 5 Steps to boosting your daughter's self-esteem. "Mothers are the first line of defense against unrealistic images and suggestive advertising," the author writes. "Mothers, sisters, daughters and friends have immense influence over the younger girls around them and words are powerful. Think twice about commenting on somebody's appearance, whether in a positive or negative way. Negative comments invite young girls to create an unhealthy sense of beauty...

"From a very early age, girls want someone to love them, to recognize their beauty and to treat them like a princess. You have an opportunity to be a young lady's biggest fan by encouraging them, recognizing their beauty and helping them discover their gifts and talents. Make an effort every day to tell your daughters that they are beautiful and to look at them with loving, rather than critical, eyes. When the world tells her she is inadequate, a reliable and genuinely devoted woman needs to show her she is perfect, just the way she is...

"You can empower [young girls] by encouraging their individual interests and recognizing when they excel... The tendency to want to "fit in" can also make a young girl feel inadequate when she doesn't measure up. Clearly communicate that "fitting in" isn't as important as creating and pursuing her own definition of happiness" (extracted from the article here).

Remember that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say... ?"

treasury clipping

Green for kids, by robedellarobi, maker of exquisite minimalist clothing and accessories for kids and moms. The entire list is here.

1. Knitted baby dress, cap and shoes by Tenderblue

2. A Walk Through the Woods game by Cake In The Morn

3. Bamboo flannel cloth diaper inserts by Greenchild Creations

4. Owl appliqued tshirt by Odd E Designs

5. Long linen girl dress by Lefthandedcraftclub

6. Custom Tabby Cat messenger satchel by Bikbik & Roro :)

Ghostlets!

A handful of Ghostlet pins from a custom order for party favours! These sweet little fellows fit snugly in one's palm, and, without pinbacks, make happy companions who fit perfectly in a pocket, or propped up on a bookshelf. They're pudgy too, and it's sometimes quite tempting to treat them like those squishy stress balls!

The backs of these pins have an unexpected pop of colour and pattern, making each of them OOAK -- this one, for instance, shows Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall!

Don't they have the kindest faces? They'd look so sweet pinned to a satchel or peacoat collar. I'm thinking I shall list them in the shop on a made-to-order basis, but that will have to wait till next week -- I'm off on a little holiday, yay! Have a super lovely weekend, dear friends; see you soon!

on hair, and being there

Ever since Becky started morning school this year, I've been having to get her up at six every day to get her ready. Getting up at six has certainly never been much of a habit with me even under regular circumstances, but now that I'm usually up every few hours during the night with my pregnant calls to pee, it has been a bit of a challenge (though sometimes I'm actually up from about 3am onward; on those occasions I'm just sitting in bed waiting for the dawn haha).

Well, Becky takes about half an hour all in all, from brushing her teeth to finally getting her socks and shoes on, but I guess the most time-consuming part of the whole thing is her hair. As you probably know, B's hair reaches to her waist (we cut it whenever she's able to sit on it) and, as her school rightly expects long hair to be neatly tied, I usually spend a fair amount of time doing this.

I'd sit on the toilet lid cover, and she'd stand in front of me while I comb and braid her hair, and all the time we'd be talking about how her various classes are going, what someone at school said or did, or what hopes she has for her future sport meets or class responsibilities. Sometimes we don't talk about school at all; she might ask something about a particular occupation, or tell me about something she read in a book, or share her thoughts on what sort of bra she'd prefer next time (sports) -- any number of things really. But there's one thing we do every day that never changes -- just before she leaves, we hug and say, "Love you, have a good day, see you soon!" And I'd watch her skip off, smiling.

Do you think I'd pass up on all that just so I can get a few hours' extra sleep? Even if I had to do it for the next nine years or so (counting Ro)? But because of that, I've been having these regular exchanges with my cousin on the subject, whenever he happens to see us on the weekend. I might happen to make some reference to being able to catch up on some sleep on Saturday, or it might just occur to him out of the blue; but he'd look at Becky's long hair and go, "Why don't you just cut it all off? Then you won't have to wake up so early". Essentially, he means that then B can just get herself ready and see herself off.

Well, on the practical side, I can of course appreciate that short hair might be a little easier to manage, but since any hair beyond an ear-length bob needs to be tied anyway, I don't know that that would give me that much extra sleep. Besides, B needs the longer hair for ballet, and, as most young girls aren't exactly hankering for short boy cuts, I won't do that to her.

So invariably I'd try to explain that I don't mind, and that in fact I think these little sessions together before B starts her day do have a cumulative positive effect. Because once B heads out the door, she's in a different environment, with a different set of people, for more than half the day; I really do think it worthwhile for her mother to take the time to chat to her about social and academic things that tend to occur to her right before class (besides the last-minute extra money for treats, or homework things she forgot to get me to look at). More importantly, I really think it makes a difference to her to know that I care, and that she is loved.

But when I tell my cousin this, his invariable answer is, "Well, I never had that and I'm fine". This, of course, unfailingly reminds me of what I'd written in a post almost a year ago: "I know people who say, "Well, look at me -- nobody bothered about me when I was growing up and I turned out fine", but I find that flippant and shallow, because honestly, nine times out of ten, you're not "fine". The deep-seated insecurities, fears and hang-ups; the detrimental character flaws that hurt friendships, marriage, career and spirit; all the consequences of misguided decisions, reckless actions, and irrevocable choices... And again, to think of what might have been, how much better one might have done..."

I'm aware of course that my cousin's view is fairly commonplace -- many parents here have no qualms about letting their maids or in-laws take care of all their children's needs, seeing them for only a few minutes at night, largely indifferent to any issues beyond the superficial.

I know too that I can never adequately explain what I instinctively feel; what I do know is that it would have made a great difference to me, and many of my own friends, if we had had this sense of care and love as we were growing up -- not just in the big things, like making sure we were clothed and had enough to eat -- but in the smaller details, things which sometimes go unnoticed, for weeks, months, years; things which sometimes desperately need attention.

I think you can learn a lot about what someone is thinking or going through in just a few minutes of genuine interaction -- and I think you can do a lot to help or encourage or even turn things around for that person in those few minutes; how then can one say that it makes no difference to a growing child to have such support, to be able to start each day off right -- confident, peaceful, positive and optimistic?

I'd read a wonderfully-written article some time ago by the international lecturer Lawrence Kelemen, entitled Life is for love: Raising emotionally healthy children requires plenty of attention and affection. In it, he wrote: "The first step in loving a child is being sensitive to his needs and attending to them. This is not an easy task. Many new parents are shocked by how difficult it is to sustain sensitivity and attentiveness throughout the day and night. We have no choice, however, since attentiveness, and all the love it represents, is crucial to our child’s development.

"When we are attentive to a child’s needs, we create a sense of security and confidence -- what psychologists call attachment -- and this provides the internal strength children need to handle stress later in life... Research also links self-esteem to attentive parenting. Moreover, not only do attentive parents produce sons and daughters who enjoy greater self-esteem than other children, this positive self-image persists up to 20 years later.

"In one study of women raised in Islington, England, investigators found that children raised by more responsive parents were twice as likely to have positive self-image in their adult years as those raised by less responsive parents. And children who feel good about themselves have higher aspirations, do better in school, earn higher salaries when they grow up, and handle stress more effectively than children with low self-esteem.

"Parents sometimes worry that attentive parenting undermines independence and confidence. The opposite is true. “Children who experience consistent and considerable gratification of needs in the early stages do not become ‘spoiled’ and dependent,” explains Dr. Terry Levy, President of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children, “They become more independent, self-assured and confident"...

"As children mature, they continue to need parental attention... Elementary school children need us to listen to them as they retell the day’s adventures, and they will often repeat the same stories over and over again just to hold our precious attention. They crave our participation in their homework and in their play, too. If our children learn that they can count on us for the attention they so badly need during their early years, they will continue to turn to us throughout teenagehood, too.

"Affection is more than just attention. Attention just requires being responsive to a child’s needs. Affection is the next step. It is warm, and it is the most powerful medium we possess for communicating love. We need to make special efforts to infuse this magical ingredient into our interactions... Affection also primes children for friendship and intimacy. A plethora of scientific literature reports that children who receive more affection tend to have more positive peer interactions and closer friendships...

"Hugs defuse delinquency. So say researchers at the Duke University Medical Center who compared the backgrounds of normal children and delinquents. After controlling for a range of factors, the Duke researchers discovered that parental affection was the active ingredient. They conclude their report noting that, “Violent boys were almost twice as likely as matched control subjects to have fathers who never hugged them or expressed verbal affection.

"Criminologists at the University of Illinois and Northeastern University also report that lack of parental affection is “one of the most important predictors of serious and persistent delinquency.” Sociologists at the University of Wisconsin and Florida State University reviewing the psychological literature, similarly find “absence of warmth, affection, or love by parents” associated with aggressiveness, delinquency, drug abuse, and criminality...

"Taken together, the basic ingredients of love -- attention and affection -- might constitute the single most important factors in human development. Love is not a luxury... Practically, what all this data means is that we need to pour on lots of attention and affection, and this takes time -- more time than most people who are not yet parents would ever believe... Looking after a baby or toddler is a 24-hour-a-day job seven days a week, and often a very worrying one at that. And even if the load lightens a little as children get older, if they are to flourish they still require a lot of time and attention.

"For many people today these are unpalatable truths. Giving time and attention to children means sacrificing other interests and activities. Yet I believe the evidence for what I am saying is unimpeachable. Study after study… Long before the first child is born, we must come to terms with the fact that our lives must change dramatically; that we must refocus; and that sacrifices must be made...

"The average U.S. teenager speaks seven minutes a day with her mother and five minutes a day with her father... Providing for the emotional needs of our children is not easy. Children need love. They cannot thrive without our attention and affection. If this demands a reshuffling of our lifestyle, it is a reshuffling we will never regret" (extracted from the article by Prof Lawrence Kelemen; italics mine).

And so yes, I will continue to rise and shine at six -- to braid hair and share my kids' joys and woes -- however silly some might think me. At the very least, they will look presentable.

vanilla

1. Silver bird necklace by The Black Swan Theory

2. Great Gatsby-inspired dress by Foxberry Farm

3. Spring wool dress by Vesper Clothier

4. 'Water lilies around your neck' necklace by Eried

5. Silver necklace with pearls by deSoria deSign

6. Gold circle necklace by Maetri Studio

7. Sea urchin spine necklace by iamto'b

8. Dish with Rumi quote by mb art studios

paw thing

I know; you're thinking, "Okaaayy...". Or, "Hm, the latest Bikbik & Roro creation for... um... babies?" Or maybe even, "Back-scratcher?" Well yeah, it could be I suppose, but it's really my attempt at making a dog toy -- an economical one that's also hardy and enjoyable (by the dog, silly).

I'd been observing Kip's play habits for years, and taking note of her preferences when it comes to playing -- both with her own toys, and things which are perhaps most concisely defined as, well, trash. I would say she really prefers the latter category of items, which seem to be far more attractive to her in terms of texture, sound and maybe even looks. Those expensive Kong things can't hold a candle to crumpled balls of paper, flyaway bits of stuffing, or even some clumsy careless dodo's person's eraser.

After finding her yet again hiding under the bed for chewing some plastic packaging she found in the bin -- while her fancy dog toys lay untouched just a few feet away -- I decided to try devising something of my own for her. That red thing above is it.

For want of a better name, I've taken to calling it what the kids do -- "Kip's paw thing". It's made of a durable canvas, but the fun part is inside -- all the crap Kip's ever enjoyed chewing (well, minus cat kibble and dubious dingy-coloured things) -- all encased in another canvas tube for safety. So the thing has different sounds and textures all along its length, made from such items as crumpled paper, fibrefill and, yes, erasers. I included a bell too because I noticed that she was attracted to tinkly noises, and made it just the right size and floppiness for her to carry around if she wanted. The one end of the paw is pointy-tassley because I've also noticed she likes things with little pokey bits sticking out.

I used some leftover red canvas, but am thinking that when I do make more for the friends who asked, I shall use blue, yellow or grey (dogs see the world in these colours). Of course, the real test came when I finally presented the paw to Kip; these are just a few of the pictures I took over the past couple of weeks!

Success!

All through the day...

And into the night, under the bed...

Wonderful for tug-of-war...

Or entertainment on muggy afternoons...

Or maybe even just as a friend.

I'm happy to report that Kip's paw thing is still intact and un-destroyed despite the daily assaults of biting and slobbering -- way better than rawhide! What crap does your dog like chewing on? Turn it into a safe toy for Fido and maybe he'll stay out of the dustbin for awhile :)

go ahead and say it

"My Paolo fix".

happy lunar new year!

Or, a nice little break from school -- yay! See you in a couple of days!

on anger, and forgiveness

Yesterday I got into a confrontation with a close relation, which of course you can imagine is never fun, especially since it wasn't so much an argument between us, as it was me being at the receiving end of a rant well-peppered with all the expletives acrimony will inspire.

Things between this relation and I have been going downhill for years despite my best efforts; invariably, I displease him, often without even knowing it, and invariably, every time I've ever done so is resurrected when we clash. He seems to me to labour under some sort of persecution complex, apparently never feeling he is receiving sufficient respect or gratitude. I don't know anyone so accomplished at cataloging one's lifetime of faults and sins, or harbouring untold depths of resentment and bitterness, built upon layers of unforgiveness directed at every person who has ever trod upon his highly nervous, touchy sensibilities.

I've often thought how very like "Mrs Fidget" he is, this being a personification of perverse, hypersensitive affection described by C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves:

"I am thinking of Mrs Fidget, who died a few months ago. It is really astonishing how her family have brightened up. The drawn look has gone from her husband's face; he begins to be able to laugh. The younger boy, whom I had always thought an embittered, peevish little creature, turns out to be quite human. The elder, who was hardly ever at home except when he was in bed, is nearly always there now and has begun to reorganise the garden... Even the dog who was never allowed out except on a lead is now a well-known member of the Lamp-post Club in their road.

"Mrs Fidget very often said that she lived for her family. And it was not untrue... The Vicar says Mrs Fidget is now at rest. Let us hope she is. What's quite certain is that her family are".

In some ways of course Mrs Fidget is not like my relation; Mrs Fidget is essentially a martyr, but not in quite the same way as my relation. "Mrs Fidget, as she so often said, would "work her fingers to the bone" for her family... They couldn't stop her. Nor could they -- being decent people -- quite sit still and watch her do it. They had to help. Indeed they were always having to help. That is, they did things for her to help her to do things for them which they didn't want done".

But this -- this is so eloquently put -- "Can Mrs Fidget really have been quite unaware of the countless frustrations and miseries she inflicted on her family? It passes belief... the very laboriousness of her life silenced her secret doubts as to the quality of her love. The more her feet burned and her back ached, the better, for this pain whispered in her ear "How much I must love them if I do all this!"

"The unappreciativeness of the others; those terrible, wounding words -- anything will "'wound'" a Mrs Fidget -- enabled her to feel ill-used, therefore, to have a continual grievance, to enjoy the pleasures of resentment. If anyone says he does not know those pleasures he is a liar or a saint. It is true they are pleasures only to those who hate. But then a love like Mrs Fidget's contains a good deal of hatred" (extracted from The Four Loves, by C.S. Lewis).

In searching for the text of The Four Loves, I stumbled upon the blog post of Minister Steven Wedgeworth on this same Mrs Fidget, in which he beautifully described her thus: "This sort of “love” turns the posture of giving into an idol. The giver has to give in order to feel necessary. The giving itself makes demands. It lords generosity over others. It fulfills its own need by giving, and indeed, the gift nearly destroys those it is given to... what becomes clear is that the Mrs. Fidgets of the world are exacting a daunting price from their families. They make their families despise this form of “love” and often end up alienating those which they are supposedly doing so much for".

And so, letting my day, I'm sorry to say, be quite spoilt by this individual, I went to bed sad and forlorn, only of course to be woken at about 3am to pee. My depressed feelings naturally returned, and with a vengeance, as they are wont to do when one has insomnia. Being at the brunt of someone's concentrated ill feeling is never pleasant after all, and certainly not conducive to sleep. I found myself staring at the ceiling, struggling with feelings of hurt and anger, and desperately trying to hear from God. And then, from deep in my spirit came these words: "Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him" (1 John 3:15).

I knew then that I really needed to do something to stem my tumultuous thoughts, but what? And then my eyes fell upon a book that had been given to me some two years ago -- Living Beyond Your Feelings, by Joyce Meyer. I had not read beyond the first couple of chapters and the book had been tucked away pretty much brand new. Now I felt compelled to pick it up and was immediately drawn to two latter chapters -- Anger, and Why is it so hard to forgive? Reading them helped me so much that I told myself that I simply had to share some of it with you today, just in case you ever have to deal with a Mrs or Mr Fidget in your life.

"Nothing justifies an attitude of hatred. I admit that I hated my father passionately for many, many years. That hatred did not change my father or make him pay for his wrongdoing, but it did poison me. It took away my peace and my joy, and my sin of hatred separated me from the intimate presence of God.

"First John 4:20 reads: "He who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, Whom he has not seen". We cannot maintain love for God and hatred for man in our heart at the same time. When God tells us to forgive our enemies, it is for our own benefit...

"If I get angry when someone does something to me that's wrong, is my anger any less wrong than the wrong they committed? I think not. Sometimes their wrongdoing merely exposes my weakness and I am able to repent and ask God to help me overcome it. Be determined to get something good out of every trial you face in life, and don't ever let the sun go down on your anger...

"As we navigate life, we will need to be generous in mercy in order not to be angry most of the time. In the Amplified Bible we learn that to forgive means to "let it drop (leave it, let it go)" (Mark 11:25)... I talk to myself and tell myself how foolish it is to let some unkind person ruin my day. I follow Scripture and pray for the person who hurt me. I try to believe the best of the person who offended me and try to get my mind off the offense and onto something more pleasant...

"Some things that people do hurt us worse than other things, but the answer is the same for dealing with them all. Do yourself a favour and forgive quickly and freely. The longer you hold a grudge, the more difficult it is to let it go... I like to think of mercy as looking beyond what was done wrong and on to why it was done. Many times people do a hurtful thing and don't even know why they are doing it, or they may not realise they are doing it. Sometimes they are reacting to their own pain without realising they are hurting others. I was hurt so badly in my childhood that I in turn frequently hurt others with my harsh words and attitudes... It helps me to forgive when I realise that 'hurting people hurt people'".

"If I don't forgive, I am poisoning my own soul with bitterness that will surely work its way out in some kind of bad behaviour or attitude. The root of bitterness contaminates and defiles not only the one who is bitter, but others around him as well...

"We all want justice when we have been hurt, and it's often difficult to be patient while God brings it. We are very tempted to take revenge instead of remembering the God said vengeance is His, not ours...

"God wants us to do what is right first, no matter how we feel. When we do, we are growing spiritually and will enjoy more emotional stability the next time we are faced with a difficult situation... For many years I tried to forgive people when they hurt or offended me, but since I still had negative feelings toward them, I assumed that I wasn't successful in the forgiveness journey. Now I realise that no matter how I feel, if I keep praying for the person who injured me and bless rather than curse him or her, I am on my way to freedom from destructive emotion...

"When someone has hurt us, we can refuse to speak evil of them, even if we're tempted to do so. We can also bless them by talking about their good qualities and good things they have done. If we only look at the mistakes people make, we won't be able to like them. But looking at their whole lives gives us a more balanced picture of them" (extracted from Living Beyond Your Feelings, by Joyce Meyer).

If someone hurts you, cry a river, then build a bridge and get over it.

Unknown

gilded night

1. Full moon locket by Khara Ledonne

2. Little black dress by Lucia Verona

3. Star dust cuff bracelet by Harmony Winters

4. Obsidian arrowhead necklace by Tala Stone

5. Lace earrings with onyx by Decoromana

6. Silver and copper stacking rings by Stem Designs

7. Blossom ring by Contagious

8. Czech glass and pewter bracelet by Dark Ride

Tabbies!

Tabby satchels have been surprisingly popular since I started making them, and I've had many requests especially for custom ones. I've been intrigued to observe though, that while I offer customers pretty much free rein with regard to colours and prints, they invariably choose the same fabrics they see in my shop pictures, or some combination thereof. So I thought I'd make some ready-to-ship ones using different fabrics, just to give people some idea that Tabby really does like colour :)

This Tabby features a grey seaweed print, with a happy pop of bright pink and tangerine for the lining and strap.

An additional cute thing is the inner pocket, which is made of linen printed with Parisian landmarks -- I like the unexpected bits of blue and turquoise.

This Tabby is made of an adorable Parisian park-printed linen.

There is an entire market scene on the other side, complete with poodle, Dior-style outfit and flower stand.

Seaweed and Parisian Tabbies are available here and here :)

treasury clipping

## 32, by IrenkaR, maker of adorable necklaces, earrings and other jewelry. The entire list is here.

1. Plus linen pillow by Cotton & Flax Shop

2. Leg warmers by B:modDesigns

3. Trio of vases by Carriage Oak Cottage

4. Leather braided bracelet by Pikfine

5. Real Cat pin by Bikbik & Roro :)

6. Loose knit sweater by Munamiu

Sylvanian Chronicles

Becky's been writing a sort of serialised story about her Sylvanians, and yesterday she posted her latest installment on her blog. I couldn't help giggling a little when I read it, so I thought I'd share it with you (as you know I'd once said I'd occasionally do :)

It's a great way to get kids interested in reading and writing I think, but as I don't let mine have more than 20 minutes a day on the computer (if at all), B has to do most of her writing the old-fashioned way -- with pencil and paper!

* * * * * * *

There was a lot of excitement because at last the Sylvanians had caught the intruder! It was a big orange cat from the Outside World! Everyone noticed that the orange cat was shivering. It did not look well or happy. Mr Owl went to get Matron from the sick bay just in case it fainted or something.

Everyone let Mr Walnut Cat speak to it, because after all, he is also a cat. "We have caught you at last," he said sternly. It was the voice he always used when he was scolding the kids, which they hated. "You have been stealing our food and doing goodness knows what else. That is very naughty indeed. But now that we've caught you, you had better tell us who you are".

And this was what the orange cat did when it heard Mr Walnut Cat's scoldy voice. Immediately, everyone went "Awww". Matron said, "Poor thing, you're shivering with cold and you look very hungry. I think you have a bit of a temperature too. Come to the sick bay and rest. You can have some cookies and hot chocolate and in the morning when you feel better you can tell us all about yourself".

So everyone led the orange cat up to the sick bay. Only Hester Honeyfox was there and she was already asleep. She had been having her usual sniffly nose from smelling too many flowers. Mr Owl said he would stay up with Matron to watch the orange cat since he usually didn't sleep at night anyway. Matron was glad to have him around to chat to. Staying up alone all night could be pretty boring.

They gave the orange cat some hot chocolate and put it to bed. It seemed to be really exhausted by everything that had happened, and did not even want any cookies. It lay down in bed with a grateful sigh and was soon purring in its sleep. "The poor thing is worn out," whispered Matron to Mr Owl. "What an interesting life it must lead". Mr Owl nodded and stared at the cat in that way owls do. "I wonder what we'll find out tomorrow!" he said.

What do you think is in store for the Sylvanians and their strange intruder? Stay tuned to find out!

P.S. I've put all the chapters of this story together here in case you missed any part! Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4. See you again soon!

go ahead and say it

"Toe-tappin' goodness, wonderful sentiment, and what a cutie!"

dusty rose

1. Vintage lace flower brooch by lesalikes

2. Crochet vest by Marins

3. Vintage French lace clutch by FrenchFelt

4. Silk fabric flower necklace by amblebee

5. Crystal ball macrame bracelet by Oak Mountain Jewellery

6. Swarovski crystal ring by SarahRobinL

7. Wool fingerless gloves by evarica

8. Moon print by Vapor.Qualquer

on being thankful to have children at all

Love 'em.

If there's one thing about being pregnant, in my corner of the world at least, it's being subject to this preoccupation with, or emphasis on, the importance of having sons. Every single person who's spoken to me -- outside of my immediate family -- has said something along the lines of, "Hope this time it's a boy!" Yesterday evening I had to bring Ro to the GP, and the nurse there went, "If it's a boy, it'll be perfect!" Which of course it would be, but not any more than if it were a girl. Yet the distinct implication was that it would be rather a blow if we did have another daughter.

I'll never forget how, when I was pregnant with Ro, this lady came up and asked if the baby were a boy or a girl. When I said (with a smile, mind) that it was a girl, she actually stroked my back comfortingly, saying, "Never mind, you can still try for a boy next time". I was so incredulous that I could only stammer out, "But we're perfectly fine that it's a girl!" It probably sounded like a pathetic attempt to make the best of an unfortunate situation. And then, on learning I have two daughters, people would feel free, perhaps even justified, to tell me, nay, admonish me, to "try for a boy".

Well obviously, I would never dream of ever being disappointed in my girls, and, as it turns out, Rebecca loves having a sister; the girls share and do things together that I don't think could happen in quite the same way between a boy and girl. I have friends and relatives whose children are one of each, and they don't seem to have quite the same dynamism in their relationships. I guess in some ways there is truth to that "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" idea -- boy and girls are perhaps fundamentally different; they're interested in different things; they communicate differently and approach the world in different ways. And then of course, if you were one of those girls who had sexist parents who always preferred your brother...

Clearly, we are fine with either a boy or a girl -- they are both blessings from God, good and perfect gifts from above -- but I must admit to being a little tired of people everywhere making these senseless sexist remarks. Even people in their 20s and 30s -- whom I consider young and therefore somehow above these archaic, prejudiced notions -- tell me that "hopefully, it's a boy this time!"; they even tell me that I must be hoping it's a boy. Like, ??!

My husband tried to explain that it has something to do with the Chinese character for "good", which looks like it is made up of the characters for "girl" and "boy", or "female" and "male". So it's something about how, together, they bring happiness and good fortune, but then you know how I feel about superstition!

Of course, I know it also has to do with the fact that boys are historically seen to be of more use on the family farm, or in the family business -- an idea I can appreciate if we were still labouring on our plantation, but which I'm not so sure about now in a developed society where women outpace men in college degrees and perform equally well in management.

Then, there's the perpetuation of the family name, that prevention of the extinction of the family line. To me this just seems to be another weird sexist attitude which has somehow prevailed -- the idea that a man's family and name simply must be preserved -- and that through another man -- as though they were somehow inherently superior. Many women have as much reason to be proud of their historical and cultural backgrounds, which I suppose is one reason there is increasing social acceptance of women keeping their maiden names and even passing them on to their children. We don't seem to have quite shed the doctrine of coverture, in force in the 19th century and much of the 20th, under which a married woman did not have a separate legal existence from her husband.

Funnily enough, it seems that perhaps this predilection for boys may not necessarily be a Chinese or even an Asian thing (sex-selective abortion in India, for instance) -- I remember reading an article last year about a Gallup poll finding that more Americans would prefer a boy rather than a girl if they were only allowed to have one child (it goes without saying what most Chinese would say!). What was especially interesting to me was that the results of that survey were very similar to those found when the same question was asked of Americans in 1941, and that those results stayed pretty much the same over the intervening years (the same poll was taken 10 times since 1941).

I'm no expert, but I can't help wondering about the discrimination and sexism that this sort of thinking reflects, even in our so-called modern, forward-thinking society. The fact is, gender preference does reflect an active depreciation of women, does it not? I recently got through all the episodes of The Tudors, and couldn't help marvelling at how we haven't come very far from Natalie Dormer's Anne Boleyn sobbing when she learnt that she'd delivered a girl, or Jonathan Rhys Meyers' Henry's ecstatic exclamation of, "I have a son!"

Well, the Chinese New Year is fast approaching, and the traditional get-togethers are prime occasions for more of these pointless remarks -- I'll either launch into a diatribe on sexism and the oppression of women, or just smile and shrug. Hm...

treasury clipping

Winter Kiss, by RomanticARTlife, crafter of exquisite floral accessories for women and girls. The entire list is here.

1. Starry Night print by gbrosseau

2. Indifferent winter card by Sparrow Nest Script

3. Botanical tender earrings by Secret Find

4. Antique French linen from Cab Art Vintage

5. Sailor Bikbik softie doll by Bikbik & Roro :)

6. Fabric doll in lilac dress by Happy Dolls By Lesya

I've mentioned this site before, but it's so much more fun when shared with Graham Norton and Ewan McGregor :)

thoughts while bedbound

Sick as a dog, or, Master Bedroom, by Andrew Wyeth

Whenever I am bedbound like this -- and let me say that whenever I have been bedbound like this it's been for the same reason!! -- I think of Amanda in Enid Blyton's Last Term at Malory Towers. Amanda was a big, strong girl who had come to Malory Towers because her old school had been destroyed in a fire. Trenigan Towers had been famous for sports, and Amanda was so good at them that she realistically expected to go in for the Olympic Games.

Well, in her pride and self-confidence, she decides to go for a swim in the sea one day, which the girls are actually forbidden to because of the strong currents. Eventually, her strength is no match for the pounding waves, and she is flung onto the rocks, which badly injure her. She is rescued of course -- we can't have anything too tragic in an Enid Blyton school story! -- but it is the end of her Olympic dreams.

"[Matron] left Amanda for an afternoon sleep. But Amanda didn't sleep. She lay thinking. What long long thoughts come to those in bed, ill and in pain! Amanda sorted a lot of things out during the time she was ill".

Well, I've been having lots of "long long thoughts" these few weeks. How true it is that time flies when you're having fun, and how true it is in reverse! The minutes and hours and days pass so slowly, I am literally counting them. Nausea clearly numbers among the worst of physical sensations -- draining, debilitating and depressing; irrationally, I find myself resenting that "command post" for nausea and vomiting which is apparently located in the brain stem.

Morning sickness is described in my pregnancy bible as "pure misery", and I keep looking at those words -- the same way I did twice before! -- and thinking, Amen!!! You can say that again! And again. And again. And again. What is the point of feeling like this, I wonder, when pregnancy should be as natural as breathing? Who even came up with that stupid name "morning sickness"?? It should be called all day sickness, or just plain sickness.

The weather has been an oppressive 30, 31 degrees daily. It is a drag seeing the kids go out during their school holidays with everyone except me. It is a drag not being able to participate in setting up the Christmas tree or do any Christmas shopping at all. Instead, I spend my time looking out the window, or at my toes, mentally dissecting the word nausea and noticing how closely it's tied to the word disgust. I start thinking I find both words equally revolting, as well as other words like vomit, acid, and oily.

I don't understand why women have to go through this -- being nauseated to the point where you don't feel like eating anything, or puking to the point where you keep nothing down, when surely now is one of those times when proper nutrients are even more vital than usual.

Here is a list of things I have been able to keep down in small (read tiny) quantities:
- Jammy toast (every. single. day).
- Strawberry milk
- Yogurt
- Instant noodles
- Fruit cocktail (does this count as fruit?)
- Tums (I'm pretty certain this does not count as food)
- Skittles (nor this)

Here is a list of things which sounded so good in theory, but which refused to stay down:
- Apples
- Melon
- Saltines
- Fish porridge
- Orange juice

Looking over these lists, I don't know how I can agree with the scientists who propound the "evolutionary" theory of pregnancy sickness, which explains the nausea and vomiting as being necessary for the mother to avoid such foods as meat and strong-tasting vegetables, which historically may contain harmful toxins and microorganisms.

And then, to top it all off, my cousin comes to see me a couple of times, and takes the opportunity on each occasion to make such useful remarks as, "Ask God why women have to go through this". As if I needed that added to my feelings! Clearly, God isn't going to give me the answer to such a question, the sort that has plagued philosophers and scholars since the beginning of time.

I don't know why ok?! I can only press on in faith, trusting to God's inherent goodness, and the fact that His plans are for my welfare and not my harm, however I may feel at this particular space in time. Ultimately, I know of course that this too shall pass. I think anyone who's going through anything can rest assured of that.

Well, If there's one thing that I've developed since actively striving to walk closer with God, it's a watch over my mouth. Unlike the miserable, complaining mess I was when I was puking for seven weeks straight with Rebecca, I now refuse to let anything negative come out of my mouth.

With Becky, I remember ranting and raving at my mother on the phone after having had an especially disgusting time at the toilet bowl; gratitude for all my blessings -- including a husband and daughters who help in every way they can -- has since made a slightly wiser woman of me. However crappy I feel now, I refuse to say, or even think, anything pessimistic or self-pitying. I've learnt over the years that it simply does no good, and now is one of those times where I pray hard throughout the day to keep that in mind. "Tomorrow will be better" I say to Becky at the end of each day (which is now at a very praiseworthy 9pm!).

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof". And, "In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you". I don't know why God lets women -- and apparently no other mammals! -- go through this, but speaking for myself, I believe God is using it to teach me patience, humility, fortitude, an even temper, and yes -- a sense of humour.

* I wrote this intermittently in bed between weeks 7 to 11 (with a pencil and paper no less!); I'm now happily back to eating my beloved apples and broccoli, praise the Lord. I am at present under the verge of puking -- as opposed to being on the verge (or just plain puking) -- which I consider a wonderful improvement. Tomorrow will be better, and the day after even more so...

Hello dear friends, how have you been? Thank you all so very much for your kind words; they really meant a lot to me. I'm still not quite 100%, but am very, very much better, thank the Lord. I expect to be fully back in the saddle very soon; in the meantime, here is a little Christmas song for you in celebration of this beautiful season, extracted from B's Christmas musical this year (she was the angel who got to announce Jesus' birth hee hee). I love that it captures the real meaning of Christmas. I pray that the Lord bless each and every one of you, and that you have a lovely close to this year, filled with joyful expectancy of a blessed, peaceful one ahead.

*** Hello dear friends -- thank you so much again for your good wishes. I am still under the weather, and shall also be away till mid-December, with little or no access to a computer, so the shop (and blog) will be taking a little break till then. I trust to catch up with all of you in time for Christmas, and wish you a peaceful, blessed season in the meantime :) ***

eh sexy lady

Well, up until like, yesterday, I must have been one of the few people on the planet who didn't know what the heck this thing was all about. But when everyone's doing it at the husband's company dinner, and the kids go around humming the refrain, and one's own mother line dances to it, you think, hm, maybe I should find out once and for all.

So now I have, and am sharing it with all of you who were either as clueless as I was, or who just need a little giggle today. Beautiful, lovable, yes you, hey, yes you!

According to Wiki, "the phrase 'Gangnam Style' is a Korean neologism that refers to a lifestyle associated with the Gangnam District of Seoul". The singer, PSY, has said, "People who are actually from Gangnam never proclaim that they are -- it's only the posers and wannabes that put on these airs and say that they are 'Gangnam Style' -- so this song is actually poking fun at those kinds of people who are trying so hard to be something that they're not.

"The song talks about 'the perfect girlfriend who knows when to be refined and when to get wild'. The song's refrain, 'Oppan Gangnam style', has been translated as 'Big brother is Gangnam style', with PSY referring to himself; 'Oppa' is a Korean expression used by females to refer to an older male friend or older brother. He studied hard to find something new and stayed up late for about 30 nights to come up with the 'Gangnam Style' dance. Along the way, he had tested various 'cheesy' animal-inspired dance moves with his choreographer, including panda and kangaroo moves, before settling for the horse trot, which involves pretending to ride a horse, alternately holding the reins and spinning a lasso, and moving into a legs-shuffling side gallop" (sourced from Wiki).

treasury clipping

Candy, by Mamma 190, designer of beautiful clothing and accessories for kids and mommies (she's having a sale right now too!). The entire list is here.

1. Gold snowflake cupcake toppers by Catch Some Raes

2. Sailor Ghostlet softie doll and pillow by Bikbik & Roro :)

3. Stoneware forest wall hanging by Studio By The Forest

4. Beige garland bunting by Couture By Ayca

5. Pointed brown cowl scarf by SweetKM

6. Mountain Hare notebook by ShePinTea

eye candy

Because I still feel crappy, and not up to much of anything else.

Clockwise from top left:

Jim Sturgess, Jude Law, Daniel Day-Lewis, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Ben Barnes, 

and Jeremy Renner

Have a super lovely rest of the week.

celadon

1. Handpainted silk scarf by The Silk Moon

2. Custom couple portrait by Frances Marin

3. Crochet wool hobo bag by Bags by Mellysse

4. Willow Tree dangle earrings by Taylor's Eclectic

5. Party dress with rosebud details by Ainslie Wood Co.

6. Stacking rings set by Doll Disaster Design

7. Moonstone necklace by Artifacts Et Cetera

8. Baby jacket by Moon & Sixpence Knits

on eating happy

O, Puss.

Thank you so much to all of you who left me such kind, sweet messages, or emailed me with your good wishes -- it meant a lot to me! I'm not feeling 100% yet, but I know by God's grace, I soon will!

In the meantime, I wanted to share with you something I read while lolling about in bed. It's a Daily Telegraph article on Oscar-nominated actress Salma Hayek. Now I'm not a particularly huge fan of hers or anything (and I'm not mad about her when she's literally busting out of some barely-there outfit), but I've always found her very attractive, and I've quite enjoyed the odd films I've seen her in, like Frida, Fools Rush In, and yes, Puss in Boots (ok, well, she wasn't literally in that).

Well, if there's one thing Salma Hayek's known for, it's being curvaceous, and the article, Go forth and munch, is about just that. Dietary debates aside, I love the spunk and self-confidence, the wonderful joie de vivre she expresses here with such warmth:

"For most Hollywood actresses, strict diets and punishing exercise regimes are the order of the day. But Salma Hayek has proved the exception by proudly extolling the merits of being "chubby", saying that eating fattening food is the best way to keep looking young".

"I am on the limit of chubbiness because I love my food and my wine. It's not the best for fashion, but it's good for my mood," said the Mexican-born actress.

"I am happy because I eat. I am 46 -- I will not have Botox. You know why? Because I eat! I eat the fat, I eat the vegetables, I eat everything.

"If you exercise too much and you don't eat enough, it takes its toll on the skin. Everything starts ageing. And you know what? You look miserable."... "The truth is, I just don't have the drive to be the prettiest and the thinnest. I can be happy for other people for their beauty. Learn to be happy for others and you can never run out of happiness"...

"[She] is a critic of the fashion industry's use of stick-thin models. She said: "In recent years, we have had to fight against our genetic nature to look like something we are not, to look like little boys."

"Of her career, she said: "It's a miracle that I'm still working... the worst thing you can be in Hollywood is a woman and over 40.

"On top of that, I have an accent, am dyslexic, short and chubby. You name it, I have it, but here I am".

Have a spunky, inspired weekend everyone!

*** The shop (and blog) is on a little hiatus while I endure enjoy the mother of all colds. Purchases and custom orders may still be placed as usual (I have already shipped all orders prior to today): Ready-to-ship goodies are, well, ready to ship; please allow an extra week for the making of made-to-order goodies. Thank you so much, and have a super lovely rest of the week! ***

treasury clipping

In Case of Emergency, by Shavingkit Suppplies, sellers of gorgeous vintage and antique goodies for the home. The entire list is here.

1. Black salad bowl by Laurie Goldstein's Shop

2. Snails' shell candles by LessCandles

3. Children's blanket by Lovely Home Idea

4. Chunky cowl by TortillaGirl

5. Original mini painting by The Haunted Hollow Tree

6. Real Cat pins by Bikbik & Roro :)

not quite screamfest

I thought I'd share a couple of movie recommendations -- just in time for Halloween! Be warned though, they're not run-of-the-mill Scream/Poltergeist fare; you sort of have to watch closely and pay attention haha..

So, first up -- From Time to Time. This haunting British film is set in the 1940s, and is about a 13-year-old boy who uncovers long-buried family secrets when he goes to stay with his grandmother. The cinematography is beautiful, and the story both charming and poignant -- something the whole family (well, 8 and above maybe) can watch together by firelight.

(In a moment of sorrowful candour, Maggie Smith's character Mrs Oldknow tells her grandson, "If you have children, don't ever quarrel with them. No matter the reason, no matter how angry you get -- don't quarrel. I promise you -- it's never worth it". Like I said, poignant).

Next -- another British film, this time called Haunted. Set in the late 1920s, the story is about an American professor who gets invited to Edbrook House to investigate the alleged hauntings there. While the storyline is mildly cliched, the cinematography is gorgeous, as are Aidan Quinn's brilliant blue eyes. Be advised though, there are some adult themes and a bit of nudity too, so keep it 18-and-up please!

For goodness' sakes, don't watch this bit in its entirety. I couldn't embed part 1, so just copy and paste this video's title in the YouTube search box, and change the number to 1/11.

What ghostly films do you recommend this All Hallows' Eve? :)

on nurturing nature

Mother and Child, by Gustav Klimt

So, my dear cousin has been listening to these psychology lectures in his car; the other day, he comes in and tells me, "Parents actually have very little influence on how their children turn out -- it's just in the genes". He tells me this with great confidence, presumably because Dr So-and-so said it, which somehow gives it "scientific" credence.

Now, we've had these discussions on psychology before; I'd done it in university, and had previously told him quite frankly that it was fine for some generalisations, but really that's all it is -- generalisations. I don't feel that there's that same objectivity and universality with psychology as there is with say, chemistry or physics. Trying to create principles that apply to all individuals and groups is, to me, impossible; humans are just too complex and diverse, as are their personal lives, experiences, beliefs, circumstances. And really, how many people could one possibly study, and for how long?

This idea that genes may be what influence personality and that parents don't really matter, came into prominence when a certain Judith Rich Harris published her book, The Nurture Assumption, some 14 years ago, in which, summarily speaking, she claims that parental influence is minor; whatever our peers do to us outweigh, in the long run, whatever our parents do (Ms Harris, by the way, was a textbook writer, with no doctorate or academic affiliation).

"[Harris] looks at studies which claim to show the influence of the parental environment and claims that most fail to control for genetic influences. For example, if aggressive parents are more likely to have aggressive children, this is not necessarily evidence of parental example".

Further, "Harris' most innovative idea was to look outside the family and to point at the peer group as an important shaper of the child's psyche" (I do not find this an especially profound or groundbreaking idea). However, "contrary to some reports, Harris did not claim that 'parents don't matter'. The book did not cover cases of abuse and neglect. Harris pointed out that parents have a role in selecting their children's peer group, especially in the early years. Parents also affect the child's behavior within the home environment and the interpersonal relationship between child and parent" (extracted from Wiki).

Dr Frank Farley of Temple University eloquently put into words what my immediate thoughts on all this was, namely that "she's taking an extreme position based on a limited set of data. Her thesis is absurd on its face, but consider what might happen if parents believe this stuff!"

Dr Wendy Williams, a professor at Cornell, said, "There are many, many good studies that show parents affect how children turn out in both cognitive abilities and behaviour" (extracted from Wiki, italics mine).

Naturally, however, there are supporters of Ms Harris' great insights, as there are critics. What I wonder is, with all the glaring, physical evidence of the effects of child neglect and abuse, why does anyone even want to propound something that goes against all the noblest principles of parenting at its best, and that has the potential to further encourage parenting at its worst?

While I do not discount the effects of a child's innate qualities on his or her personality, I do not accept that it's these inborn, genetic factors that determine how that child will turn out, or that they outweigh the importance of loving, nurturing, responsible parenting. Child neglect and abuse are on the rise, and without fail, parental personality and behaviour are cited as one of the major risk factors. To suggest that those neglected or abused children would turn out crappily even if their parents were nurturing and responsible, simply because they're inherently crappy people, is profoundly annoying to me.

However, it seems that Ms Harris "rejected the idea that her book would encourage parents to neglect or mistreat their children. She maintains that parents will continue to treat their children well 'for the same reason you are nice to your friends and your partner, even though you have no hopes of molding their character' (extracted from Wiki).

Well, I don't know about you, but I do not "treat my children well" for the same reason I'm nice to my friends. I do not feel responsible for my friends' behaviour and morals, for their sense of self-worth, and for the values, habits and attitudes with which they will live their lives and which they will pass on to their children.

Of course, I can't help vaguely wondering about Ms Harris' own kids, or the kids of those who support her views. Ms Harris, at any rate, has two children, one of whom was adopted. The biological child, Nomi, was, according to Ms Harris, quiet and well-behaved; she was, apparently, just like her biological parents, and "gave us no trouble while she was growing up".

The adopted child Elaine, on the other hand, was different. "She always wanted to be with people. We started getting bad reports from the school right away -- that she wouldn't sit in her chair, and she was bothering other kids... As the girls got older, Nomi became a brain and Elaine became a dropout. Nomi was a member of a very small clique of intellectual kids, and Elaine was a member of the delinquent subgroup".

When you have a parent who describes you like that, you have to wonder if it truly was because you were a genetically hopeless case, or because, having intrinsically different -- but not necessarily bad -- traits, your parent just didn't spend the time and effort needed to develop your talents and abilities to the full.

There was a study known as the Colorado Adoption Project, in which, for a mere seven years, researchers "followed" the lives of 245 adopted children, giving them and their adoptive parents personality and intelligence tests at regular intervals. The conclusion they reached from this supposedly vast, all-encompassing study was that "the only reason we are like our parents is that we share their genes".

Besides the fact that I believe all psychological studies are limited and subjective, I don't believe good parenting is about making our children similar to ourselves -- indeed, it is often hoped that they don't become like us -- it is about harnessing their innate qualities and turning them to positive, productive account. That is why I think good, present parenting does matter.

While one child may be innately shy and the other gregarious, as a parent I am responsible for instilling the right values and attitudes in both of them, sound principles and beliefs that will then dictate their behaviour, and which are not so weak as to be squashed by any peer pressure they may encounter.

Obviously, peers do have an impact on one's life, but I believe the degree of that impact is dependent on the amount of time they spend with those peers, and the fundamental value system they've acquired at home. In fact, I believe it is those values they learn at home that are what will influence the peers they choose to interact with.

For me personally, I can honestly say that the kind of person I was as a child and am now, is almost entirely due to how I was treated at home, the behaviours I saw, and the words I heard. My peers growing up had, in fact, very little influence over me then, and certainly none at all now. I have known and witnessed enough of the effects of parental nurturing and attention, as well as cruelty and neglect, in both my own life and the lives of my relatives and friends, to know how valuable responsible, accessible parenting is -- it is what greatly influenced my decision to give up my corporate career in favour of full-time motherhood.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it" (Prov 22:6).

If you've ever done psychology in school, or ever read a paper on some theory, how often did you think, "Well, that sure didn't apply to me" or "That wasn't what happened in my niece's case, or my son's case, or my neighbour's kid's case"? There simply are no universal behavioural laws, and I find it irresponsible to propound theories that ultimately have no positive purpose.

Instead, they serve to bolster the views of people like my cousin and his friends who happily leave their kids in the care of maids and strangers all day, every day (interestingly, I recall a study done in 2011 by scientists from the US and Netherlands which found that "genes may contribute to a child's bad behaviour, but only when parents are distant; parental monitoring -- how well a parent knows what’s going on in their child’s life -- was key").

I found this person's response to an article on Ms Harris that appeared in Scientific American particularly eloquent: "There is no substitute for good parenting. I am a teacher and see this every day. If you see a problem student, 99% of the time, you have to look no farther than the parent... who does not value education, who is working too many hours to know or care what there kids are doing, who is mentally or physically abusive, who is dependent on alcohol or drugs, or who suffers from some type of mental illness.

"I am amazed at what our kids have to overcome everyday. I am also a parent of two honor students. My college student has won multiple scholarships. Who do you credit for that? Her teachers? They deserve some credit for their knowledge of subject matter....BUT it is the YEARS that I have spent raising them to value education, spending precious time with them, and pushing them to always do their best.

"The most promising students are those who benefit from the combination of GOOD parenting and GOOD teaching. They will choose their peers based upon shared values, and they will have the strength of character to speak their own mind. The old saying "birds of a feather, flock together" is very true.

"Kids who are raised in similar homes, suffer similar problems, and will group together to find some sort of "home away from home" feeling of comfort and safety. Its hard to be a member of an intelligent and successful peer group, when you cannot relate to any of the experiences that they have had. This article and the author of this book is a joke. Sadly it will be used by irresponsible parents to bolster their own irresponsible attitudes of denying any responsibility for the fate of their own offspring".