on deception, and mercy

Random Jake pictures because I didn't have anything more suitable.

Hi everyone! How have you been? I know it's been awhile, and I truly thank everyone who is still faithfully sticking with me! I was just telling a good bloggy friend the other day that I had a nagging consciousness that I hadn't posted for some time, but that I'd have to wait till Jake is at least a year old before I got back to writing regularly again. And she said, "Don't be stressed out about blogging. Family is far more important!" How true!

Still, sometimes there are things I really want to share or talk about, and so I do it in bits till a post finally comes together haha.. Like this. It has bothered me enough to want to get it off my chest and hear your thoughts on it as well.

Some nights back I was at my cousin's place; the kids were all playing together when my aunt came in asking who had throw a can of pop into the wastepaper basket in the study. Now obviously she meant someone in my cousin's household, and most likely, one of my cousin's kids, who apparently had done the deed a couple of days prior. Because the wastebasket is in the study, it's clearly not meant for edibles, and a trail of ants had appeared there.

Well, everyone automatically started saying it wasn't them, and so my cousin's wife narrowed it down by saying she had given the pop to Marine, one of their daughters. So of course the family started accusing her, saying it was so typical of her, etc etc.

The thing is, Marine kept insisting she hadn't done it; on being pressed further, she said she only remembered leaving it on my aunt's table (which is also typical) (and would also have created a trail of ants). Well obviously, now the whole thing started shifting from the thoughtlessness of throwing foody crap in the study, to whether Marine was actually lying.

Finally, my cousin's wife took Marine aside to where we were sitting, and sternly asked her point blank whether she was telling the truth. Again and again, Marine insisted she was -- this was when it came up that she remembered just leaving it on her grandmother's table. One last time, my cousin's wife asked Marine to promise her -- before God -- that she was telling the truth. Having helped take care of the kids for many years, I knew this was the ultimate; usually if the kids really were fibbing, they would admit it at this point, if not earlier.

Marine was already crying by this time (she is nine, by the way), but declared again that she was telling the truth -- she only remembered leaving it on my aunt's table (for which thoughtlessness she did apologise). She said she had drunk some pop in the study, then drifted over to her own room to offer her brother some, then drifted back to the study, where she left the pop. Knowing Marine as well as I do, I felt sure she was telling the truth -- as in, she honestly believed she'd left the can on the table, and did not remember chucking it in the basket.

Well, my cousin's wife was quite prepared to leave it at that, saying either she or someone else, possibly my cousin or even my aunt, had absentmindedly done it. But, perhaps because he'd been somehow vaguely brought into it, my cousin took Marine to the next room and for the next 20, 25 minutes at least, subjected her to a barrage of interrogative questions, in his most blustering tone, from where exactly on the table did she leave the can, to how long she had waited for her brother to drink from it.

At the start of this interrogation, I could hear Marine stoutly sticking to her story, but as it went on, I could hear her tearing up, and getting increasingly confused, stressed and worn out. She couldn't remember exactly on which corner of the table she'd left the can, or how long she'd waited for her brother, or what exactly she'd drifted off to do next after she'd left the can. Well, surprise -- this was like two days ago.

I felt so bad for her, but then I got really upset when I heard him telling her that she was a liar -- he knew her, and he knew she was lying -- she could fool us, but not him. After Marine left us (crying), I told him frankly that I was very dismayed with how he had handled the whole situation -- that no good could come from bullying and intimidating a child like that, and more than that, believing the worst of the child and accusing her without concrete proof.

Well, needless to say, he got all riled up and defensive, and started blustering at me about how he could just see it in her eyes -- he knew. All the circumstantial evidence pointed to her being the guilty person, he said. He went on and on about how she couldn't remember the facts clearly, like where exactly on the table she'd left the can. He reasoned that that showed she was making it up -- how could she possibly remember leaving the can there, and not be able to remember the specifics. She was just coming up with that story to explain what she'd done with it.

I said it was perfectly possible to do that, especially absentmindedly -- I myself continually think I've left crafting stuff somewhere on the dining table for instance, but find later that they're not there, and I'd actually left them somewhere else altogether. When one is distracted, or has a million ideas preoccupying one, one can easily do things like that.

My point was that it was possible that she sincerely did not remember throwing the can in the basket; that as far as she could remember at all, she had just left it on the table. Did that mean she wasn't the one who threw in the basket? No, of course not -- but it did mean that she wasn't lying about it, which was the main thing right? A lie, after all, is "a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth".

I felt it was wrong to accuse her based on circumstantial evidence and a "gut feeling"; if there was any chance at all of her not lying, I felt we should believe the best of her and just take her at her word. I believe browbeating her in some cop-movie attempt to trip her up and catch her in her guilt is just futile and damaging -- trust me, I know the long-term effects of unmerciful harshness and negative labels. Harsh parenting is connected to low self-esteem in children, and is one of the surefire ways to, over time, cause serious rifts and even total alienation. "Do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them]" it says in Colossians, "lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit]".

Well, the next thing I knew, we were getting into some stupid debate about criminal culpability -- he actually brought up how a person with dementia who murders someone is still a murderer, even if they honestly don't remember doing it. I couldn't quite follow this parallel at all, and could only say, yes, the person is a murderer, but one can't actually say they lied about not remembering.

In sum, several relational and parenting rules became reinforced in my mind. 1) Always be compassionate, and believe the best of people; 2) Avoid negative assumptions and labels; 3) Don't abuse your position of power; 4) Be firm, but kind; 5) Don't yell; and 6) Temper justice with mercy.

I also read up on dealing with kids when they lie -- because all our little angels will do it, at one point or another; heck, all of us do. I found these points in a great article by Dr Victoria Samuel, a clinical psychologist who works within a specialist child team in the UK's NHS:

1. Calmly name the issue but don’t demand confessions
Don't ask questions about behaviour if you already know the answer! Trying to force your child to confess is rarely effective: most children (and adults) will lie to protect themselves when put on the spot...

If you know your child is lying to avoid getting into trouble calmly describe the problem: "I see you got pen on the wall, how can we sort that out?" If possible, avoid lecturing or criticising your child as this tends to be counter-productive, leading to defensiveness and more lying...

Never call your child a liar; negative labels such as this can erode self-esteem and lead to self-confirming behaviour. Similarly, it is not helpful to bring up past transgressions "This is the third time you’ve lied about this".

If you catch your child telling a blatant lie, tell them you know they're not being honest: "I know that isn't true. It's normal to worry about telling the truth if we're afraid we've done something wrong, but lying isn't helpful. Let's see what we can do solve the problem".

2. Try to understand why your child is finding it hard to be honest
It's important to think about why your child feels she needs to lie. Perhaps your child lies about the marks she get at school because she is feeling overly pressurised to achieve. Or if your child repeatedly lies about their actions to avoid discipline, perhaps the consequences you are using are so severe that your child is too afraid to tell the truth. Remember that consequences are about teaching a child, not inflicting distress.

3. Teach your child about why lying doesn't work
Teach your child about the importance of telling the truth and how lying can stop people believing them even when they are being honest. A good way to do this is to read books with your child which give a clear message that lying is not helpful; 'The Boy who Cried Wolf' is an obvious example. It helps to take time after reading the stories to chat with your child about what he has learnt. Remember this should be relaxed and fun, not a morality lecture!

4. Respond with clear consequences
By around the age of six, children are able to know the difference between truth and lies. So if they lie to try to cover up something they've done, it may be helpful to give consequences, both for the lying and for the behaviour they are attempting to conceal. Make it clear to your child that honesty will get your approval and mean they get off more lightly.

This approach means that if your child does something wrong they're less likely to take the risk of covering up with a lie. Again, remember that consequences should not be overly severe as this may push your child to lie to protect themselves.

5. Set a good example
Remember that children learn more through watching other people's behaviour than through any other form of direct guidance or discipline. Unfortunately this means that if you're prone to being economical with the truth, be it mouthing "I'm not in" when your mother-in-law rings, or by taking a few years of your child's age when buying a bus ticket, you will inadvertently be teaching your child that lying is acceptable.

6. Praise honesty
Always be encouraging and positive whenever your child tells the truth and praise them for being honest: "Thank you for telling me you broke the glass. I really like it when you’re honest". (extracted from How to deal with lying and encourage honesty; italics mine. Read the article in full here).

Have a kind, loving week, my friends -- catch up again real soon!

on envy, and contentment

Sadie takes Orso just the way he is.

I was sitting with my aunt's church group the other day and talk turned to a certain church member, Lauren, whose life was apparently perfect. It seems she has four grown daughters, all of whom have successful, well-paying careers, and more than that, they all "married well"; i.e., they married husbands who also have successful, well-paying careers. Lauren herself is a well-off retiree and so the upshot of it is that she and her husband are leading very comfortable lives, regularly posting pictures on Facebook of the family on holiday, eating at expensive restaurants, and wearing expensive things.

"Wow, great huh?" my aunt said. "Lauren and her husband don't have to worry about anything; her daughters are doing so well". There was a chorus of agreement. And then, she added what was clearly in everyone else's mind: "You can't help but envy
them".

I was silent the entire time, but at that, I felt I simply had to speak up. It wasn't just that I'd heard that kind of senseless dross before, but I felt so bad for my cousin (my aunt's daughter), who was also there, and flashed me a stricken, exasperated look. Because obviously, if you envy someone else's life, you're clearly dissatisfied with your own; and if you think someone's else's children are successful and have married well, you clearly think your own aren't, and haven't.

"Why do you say these things?" I said. "Success isn't defined by wealth. And you don't know what their private lives are like, or what's going to happen to any of them in the future. Why can't you just be happy with what you have?" Now my cousin isn't a highfalutin career woman, but a full-time mom with two wonderfully decent teenage sons. But heck, when was the last time you heard someone going, "Gee, she's a full-time stay-at-home mom raising kids -- you can't help but envy her"?

Needless to say, the conversation swiftly went off on a pointless tangent, with my aunt going, "I didn't say Constance didn't marry well" and me going, "But you just said you envied Lauren's daughters' marrying well", and my aunt retorting, "Well, they did -- they're doing great; they lead such comfortable lives", and me replying, "Which means you don't think you're doing great!"

Of course, I don't think my aunt had really given much thought to what she was saying. And many of us are guilty of much the same thing, looking longingly at someone else's whatever, and at the very least thinking, "If only...". But these feelings of discontentment often have insidious effects, and only keep growing if left unchecked.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been witness to this sort of thing -- people envying other people; parents envying other parents; moms comparing their daughters and making their kids feel bad about themselves. Never mind that my aunt is actually living quite comfortably, has several gorgeous grandchildren, and a daughter who's happily married (which in this day and age of divorce and rampant philandering, is an achievement in and of itself). The fact that she's not raking in big bucks and coupled with a millionaire husband somehow seems to make her life, at best, lacklustre, and at worst, a failure.

As a stay-at-home mom who's not raking in big bucks myself, I can imagine what my cousin is feeling. But while my aunt -- contented-Christian-who-ought-not-to-covet though she is -- is not entirely happy with her lot, I hope my cousin has not let it affect her. For surely being made to feel a failure, or like you've fallen short, is one of the worse things to go through life with. I hope she knows that being a fulltime mom makes her just as valuable, and as much a success, as Mrs Lawyer or Mrs Director at the office.

"Thou shalt not covet" is one of the ten commandments -- clearly, envy has been a problem since time immemorial. In fact, the commandment in full reads thus: "You shall not covet your neighbour's house. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour". God was obviously trying to cover all the bases -- knowing people, He had to! Today, it could just as soon read, "You shall not covet your neighbour's car, your neighbour's job, your neighbour's straight-A kid -- indeed, your neighbour's life".

I think God knew that envy and covetousness would not only breed misery in one's own life, but in the lives of those one is close to as well. Nowhere does envy cause more grief I think than in one's own family, among one's own children. Almost every child starts off with an innate desire to be pleasing to his or her parents, to make his or her parents proud. But of course every child is gifted differently, and unfortunately, not always to his or her parents' tastes. Dissatisfied, discontented parents quickly make their children feel inadequate and unacceptable, and is simply a recipe for disaster. "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?" it says in Proverbs.

The perfect scenario of course is where parents, already confident in themselves, transfer that confidence to their children. These are the parents who are supportive, who celebrate their children's unique strengths and abilities, and truly love who they naturally are -- whatever stage of life they're at. Expressing envious dissatisfaction -- whether to an eight-year-old or a forty-eight-year-old -- only wounds and tears down, and does no one any good. "Never underestimate the power of jealousy and the power of envy to destroy. Never underestimate that" Oliver Stone (of all people) once said.

The key I think is to simply stop comparing oneself to other people! And to start focusing on, and truly appreciating, all the blessings and positive things in one's own life. I strive to be very careful of my words around my own kids, steering clear of such phrases as "If only you..." or "Why can't you be more like...". I am so conscious of the fact that enviously comparing -- whether children, or belongings, or entire lives -- essentially implies that I wish my own were different. I think going through life like that only leads to despair.

Which reminds me of a devotion I read not too long ago. It was entitled Start enjoying you. "...Scripture says that we have the mind of Christ. We can think. speak and learn to behave as Jesus did, and He certainly did not ever compare Himself with anyone or desire to be anything other than what His Father had made Him to be. He lived to do the Father's will, not to compete with others and compare Himself with them.

"I encourage you to be content with who you are. That does not mean that you cannot make progress and continually improve, but when you allow other people to become a law, you are continually disappointed. God will never help you be someone else. Remember that being "different" is good; it is not a bad thing. Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planned for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" (extracted from The Confident Woman Devotional, by Joyce Meyer).

Here's to celebrating our own unique selves, lives and successes! Have a blessed, contented weekend everyone!

P.S. Ophelia found her mommy -- without layaway! More about that soon :)

what is an empty desk

He knows exactly where that self-pasting scrapbook is.

So. Having gotten into a "thing" with a certain somebody about the kids' untidiness, I decided to sit down and find out once and for all if being messy was such a terrible thing. Of course, I don't really have time to do much research or a thesis on this, but I did want to look further into that famous image of Einstein coolly reading at his horrendously cluttered, untidy desk.

See, the children's messiness doesn't bother/stress/completely traumatise and spoil my whole day as much as it does.. certain people.. because I myself am unarguably, immutably UNTIDY. I've spent most of my life, from childhood up, trying my best to change, but I've finally come to accept, over 40 years later, that I can't. I am what I am. On any given day, my desk is covered with papers, drawings, notes, reading material, torn scraps and sundry piles of what may most easily be described as "things".

My mother used to take it almost as a personal affront that I didn't keep my room tidy, and it wasn't till I was nearly an adult that I one day told her I wasn't deliberately trying to make her mad; I just really couldn't help it -- I honestly didn't register how cluttered my desk or room was. The disorder was really in the outermost periphery of my mind, if it were there at all; simply put, I was entirely focused on whatever it was I was working on at the time and all that "stuff" was just white noise -- mere elevator music.

The fact was, the mess didn't bother me because it didn't negatively affect me. As any untidy person will tell you, I pretty much always knew where my things were, despite and amidst all that chaos. It was when my mother came in and tidied up, apparently unable to bear the sheer stress of seeing my stuff like that, that I would lose things. Then would begin the usual routine of, "Mo-o-om!! Where did you put my fill-in-the-blank??", followed by the nebulous, indeterminate description of the article I was in search of.

And now, almost 45 years later, my own children are being subject to the same routine. Not by me, of course. I'm the one who gets "scolded" on their behalf. And I go off and scold them, largely because I don't like having my peace being affected by such things, and all the while understanding in my heart why they must have alllllllll these things out, or why they do this this this and this and then rush off and do something else and leave them all there.

Don't get me wrong now -- as with most things, I believe balance is key; extreme hoarding, chaos and dirtiness are unacceptable and even worrying. I do expect some degree of tidiness; one oughtn't to leave Lego pieces right in the middle of the passageway for me to trip over, for instance. Clothes should be hung, borrowed items returned, and so forth. And things which even they agree is junk should be thrown out -- by them, not someone else. But is messiness so bad as to actually warrant anger? stress? conflict?

Some time ago I'd read an MIT research paper entitled Is it better to be messy or neat? An etiology of messiness. "Messiness is often associated with artistic, creative and scientific or mathematical genius, spontaneity, but also with carelessness, eccentricity, madness and unreliability. Neatness is associated with preparedness, confidence, attention to self-presentation, efficiency, and stability, but also with hierarchy, rigidity and mundanity.

"Famous examples of each personality type abound. In the messy camp, Albert Einstein, Francis Bacon, Alexander Fleming, and Alan Turing were all notoriously messy geniuses whose unkempt appearances matched their chaotic laboratories and studios...

"Why are people messy? The simplest theory is that messy individuals perceive the cost of tidying to be less than the potential benefits... A second theory is more attentional: that messy people are perpetually distracted with things that are 'more interesting' or important than tidying up. This is a subconscious choice that happens instinctively, as things grab their attention: 'as soon as we have finished with the coffee cup, it is invisible to us. We simply don’t see it. It’s like that stage of a baby’s development at which, if something leaves its grasp, it ceases to exist' [Abrahamson]" (read in its entirety here)

Interestingly, German researchers have found that a messy desk can actually lead people toward clearer, more organised thinking. They found that people actually thought more clearly when all around was chaos, as they sought to simplify the tasks at hand.

In an article for Digital Journal, the author writes, "If you understand the term 'controlled chaos', it may mean you're smarter than the rest of us. It's Monday morning and your boss walks in, eyeballs your desk and says, 'How can you find anything in this place?' If you're like me, you simply can't find anything if your world is completely clean. When we have people over, I clean the house, only to realize I will never find certain things again. To me, a clean house is disorderly, and a disorderly house is comfortable...

"Einstein once asked, 'If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what then, is an empty desk?'... Of course, Einstein's long gone, but apparently I'm not alone because Eric Abrahamson and David Freedman have co-authored a book called A Perfect Mess: The hidden Benefits of Disorder - How Crammed Closets, Cluttered Offices, and On-the-Fly Planning Make the World a Better Place...

"The book [illustrates] that those of us who aren't completely neat are more creative... The fact is, says the book, messy people generally have a personality trait that leaves them open to new experiences. We are less rule-bound. Things don't have to be exactly so to make us feel productive" (extract from the article by Lisa Angotti; read in its entirety here).

Indeed, in an interview, author David Freedman -- who also writes on science, business and technology for publications like The New York Times, The Harvard Business Review, Science, and Wired -- said, "In some ways you give up a lot when you have a neat, pristine place -- there are real advantages to messiness and what works best is really having a balance between the two.

"Neat and very organized people tend to be extremely judgmental and it's not just that they want to keep themselves neat and ordered, they have a lot of trouble with other people's messiness -- and they're constantly trying to get messy people to clean up. And we as a society have bought into this notion and the thinking is always, 'Well, there's something wrong with the messy person' and they have to change themselves to become neat.

"The thing that's the big problem is when a naturally messy person, for whom everything is working fine feels, for whatever reason, obligated to try to be neat and more ordered. That's the real problematic situation and that in fact is the situation most of us find ourselves in. Trying to get a messy person to permanently change is fruitless and will only cause tension. And studies back that idea up that you can't really change your level of messiness in any permanent way".

I agree with that last at any rate. It's not that I'm being dismissive and saying kids will be kids (though they will be) and so their untidiness is perfectly acceptable, but I am saying that perhaps there should be a bit of "battle-choosing" (I'm avoiding the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" because I know clutter can take on decidedly massive proportions in a neat person's mind). Many adults -- the super-tidy ones especially -- take their kids' messiness as a kind of personal insult, rebellion, a display of perversity or disrespect -- they get positively offended.

I say, think of kids "holistically" -- their untidiness is just one aspect of them; it does not necessarily reflect the quality of their upbringing, nor is it necessarily bad. Insolence, defiance, delinquency and disobedience are far bigger problems, I think, and values and morals of much greater concern -- children should live on their parents' (reasonable, fair, kind) terms while they are dependent on them. But to a great extent I accept my children as they are -- to paraphrase author Joan Ryan, they are exactly the people they are supposed to be. I'm glad and thankful my kids are loving, respectful, thoughtful and obedient, so I'll celebrate their boundless creativity, their fleet-footed inventiveness, and their wonderful ability to multitask.

What's your desk like?

just hold your head high and keep those fists down

As with lots of kids, Becky and Ro do enjoy their share of goggle-box entertainment, but I've taken care to always limit the amount of time they spend on it, and to monitor what they actually do watch as well. While I do allow the occasional inane programme -- ok, I have to admit Phineas and Ferb is funny -- I generally try to ensure the shows have at least some educational and moral value.

Every so often, I'll recall a show or movie I enjoyed as a child, and I'll ask my husband to see if he can find the DVD of it. The kids will sometimes moan and groan when they hear that tonight we won't be watching Barbie (get the 12 Dancing Princesses though -- it really is good), but invariably they get into -- and really enjoy -- the shows I pick.

Well, last night the hubs put on To Kill A Mockingbird, which I'd asked him to get. There was much doubtful hemming and hawing about how the kids were probably too young for it, how black-and-white movies would bore them, how racism is too deep an issue for them to grasp, etc etc. I simply said that I'd enjoyed it very much when I was their age, and that was enough.

Long story short, the kids got totally engrossed in it, Becky especially (she's eight); she even cried when Tom Robinson gave his testimony, and was later shot dead trying to escape. Without doubt the film and book bring up many deep issues to ponder -- racism, rape, the courage to stand up for one's principles, and the loss of innocence, to name a few -- and I was glad to answer Becky's questions and discuss them with her in greater detail. She asked, for instance, what "nigger" meant; when I'd explained, she likened it to the protagonist Jesminder being called "paki" in the movie Bend It Like Beckham. I was glad that she was upset by such offensive, disparaging bigotry, and the fact that it continues till this very day.

I did To Kill A Mockingbird in school when I was about 13, but it was the image of those carved figures left by Arthur Radley in the knot of the tree that has never left me since I saw the film when I was seven. Gregory Peck, still unbelievably handsome at 46, was phenomenal as Atticus Finch; the author Harper Lee -- whose own father was an attorney who had defended two black men accused of murder -- even gave him her father's watch and chain because he reminded her so much of him. And the music, written by the amazing Elmer Bernstein, is as haunting now as it was some 50 years ago.

Seeing the kids' rapt attention reminded me that some works are classic and ageless for a reason, and one should never underestimate a child's profundity. Equally, the degree to which they absorb the things they see and hear should make one very, very circumspect about their TV, and even internet and cellphone, activity. Violence, suggestive themes, lax morals and bad language are all too easily accessible in today's shows and video games, and they all have far-reaching social and behavioural implications. I think parents have a definite responsibility in this regard -- simply leaving Junior with the TV or Xbox as a babysitter is not the answer to realising his full potential or creating a better world for future generations. There are lots of helpful resources on this available, including this and this.

Have a lovely, tranquil weekend everyone!

take my advice...

Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late, by Mo Willems

While Mommy was sitting with Jacob, she read an article in a magazine called Junior and asked if I could type parts of it out to share with you! Of course I said OK, because I love typing! (There are some bad swear words, but I know they're bad and not to use them).

The article is a regular feature in the magazine called Ask Katie. The subhead says Everyone has an opinion when it comes to raising children -- just make sure you keep yours to yourself. Mommy says it is funny and well-written -- and she says OF COURSE no one we know is like this!!

"[We] just carry on looking after our children with a variety of techniques ranging from military-style regimes, to barely-coping strategies. It works. Aside from the odd wobble -- when your child comes up with something totally left-field -- we know what we are doing. It's just a pity that other people don't believe us.

"You may get an inkling of what you're in for before your child is even born, as an avalanche of unwanted advice, ideas, opinions and crackpot theories is proffered. And it gets worse after your baby is born. Why won't people just shut up? Having been subjected to interfering family, friends and complete bloody strangers since I started to show a slight bump, I have formulated my own crackpot theory on this.

"Despite what they might say when under the influence of alcohol, most people don't know how to end world poverty or solve the economic crisis. They simply don't have the necessary experience. But hey, everybody has been a child, which they think makes them perfectly qualified to tell you how to bring up yours.

"So, while powerless to do anything about sub-prime mortgages, they will sound off at great length about how you should put your baby to bed, what you should give your child to eat, wear, play with or think, how to impart discipline and why children today are so spoilt and badly behaved.

"Ask yourself this -- how many times have you been told -- unsolicited -- how to bring up your child and what you are doing wrong? And how many times has anybody told you: "My, aren't you doing a good job"? Exactly.

"Of course, not everyone goes on at great length. But wordless condemnation is just as bad. The accumulated sighs, harrumphs, pursed lips and significant looks that a mother is subjected to can be enough to send her completely off her rocker... Mothers themselves are particularly good at doing this, so take a vow right now NEVER to do it yourself when the grandchildren arrive.

"There are times when we could all do with the odd word of kindly encouragement, but I fail to see why people take it on themselves to tell you how to do your job with such wearying regularity, when you haven't asked their opinion.

"When my daughter was a baby, people told me what she should wear (that is, they didn't like my taste in clothes), when I should pick her up (because that's how they treated their own children)... I even had a complete stranger in a lift criticise the shape of my pram (don't know what her bloody excuse was).

"They just never stop. And they never, ever will. So all you can really do is let all the criticism wash over you and do as you damn well please. Just don't start telling other people where you think they're going wrong" (extracted from Junior magazine, issue 162).

Have a super weekend everyone!!!

random bits

No no, that is not "instant baby" lol -- that's Rebecca and me almost a decade ago. I'd never imagined then that I'd be sitting here now, expecting again, and blogging. Wonderfully, I still have my faithful old cap -- it's always been so much easier just slapping it on, than trying to give my messy hair some semblance of order. My father gave it to me when I was 17, almost a quarter of a century ago!

Yep, this is the present -- 38 1/2 weeks! My gynae has been away this past week doing his mandatory reservist training; I guess Baby decided to wait for him to come back.

In expectation of the new arrival, I couldn't help looking through the kiddos' baby pictures over the weekend. There's little Becky in a toddler swing, wearing that selfsame Baby Gap dress I made for paper Bikbik. And now she's in grade school, dealing with exams, friendships and being a big sister.

There's Ro, at about 5 months! She was a sweet, easy baby, and now she's still sweet-tempered and accommodating. As I write this, she's outside mastering riding her two-wheeled bicycle.

My babies :)

So I'm thinking this is definitely one of my last posts before July. I've been vaguely crafting in a laboured sort of way and may get Becky's help posting on that, but her blog is probably going to be way more exciting than mine for now haha..

Which reminds me -- she wrote a post on friendship a few weeks ago, and I was especially struck by this line: "The world would be a better place if we all made sure we are good friends, because all the things that make a good friend are also the things that make a good person". Quite true, non? Have a super lovely weekend everyone :)

on modesty, and the lack thereof

Baby Blues, by Jerry Scott and Rick Kirkman

Thank you so much everyone for your sweet, thoughtful comments on my last post -- they really made me smile! Please bear with my irregular visits for now -- I'm a sleepy, windy, nasally-congested whale at present lol!

I'm writing this post bit by bit because it's been sufficiently... irritating? bothering? dismaying?... me for awhile now. I guess the final "provocation" was the latest issue of US Vogue which I saw at my gynae's, where the source of this annoyance is "gracing" the cover and being gushingly celebrated within.

Kate Upton is the "American Dream Girl", the cover says, and "The hottest supermodel on Earth". Dream girl? Hottest? Really? This is the planet's epitome of female beauty and charm? Well, I think I'll take these claims with a grain of salt -- despite Vogue being the world's most influential fashion magazine -- or else I'll really start freaking like Darryl MacPherson in the strip above.

"What makes the Kate Upton era so unlikely is that the things we love about her -- those curves! that personality! -- defy what the word model has come to mean, at least on the runway: a seemingly endless procession of lanky, expressionless wraiths", writes the author for the spread within. "[Upton has] come to regard her healthy body as a point of pride... 'I love my body. It's what God gave me! I feel confident with myself, and if that inspires other women to feel confident with their bodies, great'".

Now obviously I'm all in favour of healthy bodies and a balanced love of one's self. Many people struggle with self-loathing and crippling insecurities about their physical appearance, and a good role model in the media is always welcome. However, if Ms Upton's concept of self-confidence means saying things like, "In Miami, boobs are fantastic. I was so proud of them. I was so excited. Are you kidding? I'm in Florida, and I'm constantly in bikinis. I was like, Yes! Killing it! All the girls on the beach are gonna be so jealous!", then I'll have to pass.

Yes, God gave us our bodies, but I don't think He gave them to us to do the Cat Daddy in a skimpy bikini for a Terry Richardson video. Does being confident mean doing that? Terry Richardson of course is not particularly renowned for tastefulness, and anyone dancing the Cat Daddy virtually naked can hardly be expected to look anything other than vulgar. Yet this is what is being celebrated in today's society. This is what is being lauded as female beauty and desirability, and more importantly, this is what our young daughters are being told is appropriate and acceptable.

Have you seen the way the majority of young girls dress when they're out in the mall, or even at church? I wonder how their parents can let them, or bear it. Kate Upton did the Cat Daddy video last year, when she was just 19; how did her parents feel? Her father especially? At 19, I was studying for exams and trying to figure out what to major in -- I don't think my parents would have been at all thrilled to know that a million men were making coarse, impure remarks about my body parts.

But what's wrong with that, many today would ask. Anyone who's said anything at all negative about Ms Upton has been labelled "jealous", and perhaps some of them are, but I'm sure there are some people out there who, like me, really just wonder at the distorted state of our morals, our lack of shame, and our seared sense of purity and continence.

According to IMG's senior VP, Upton is "a twenty-first century model". When the world's top model management company says things like that, people -- young women especially -- take note: Oh, so that's how you get to the top; so that's what beauty is. Are modesty and chastity outdated values of some lost, bygone era?

"For this is the will of God, that you should be consecrated (separated and set apart for pure and holy living): that you should abstain and shrink from all sexual vice, that each one of you should know how to possess (control, manage) his own body in consecration (purity, separated from things profane) and honour,

"Not [to be used] in the passion of lust like the heathen, who are ignorant of the true God and have no knowledge of His will... For God has not called us to impurity but to consecration [to dedicate ourselves to the most thorough purity]" (1 Thess 4:3-7).

What's the big deal about doing the Cat Daddy while falling out of a bikini? As one YouTube viewer said in response to a critic, "Why should you care? This doesn't affect you at all". Doesn't it? When it's all over the media, and being avidly celebrated and glorified? How can it not affect the women who see this as a standard; how can it not affect the men who look at this in lust? How can it not affect the way young girls perceive and respect their own bodies, or the way boys regard and treat their female friends or dates? "'I have the right to do anything,' you say -- but not everything is beneficial" wrote the apostle Paul.

In the increasing moral laxity of the world we live in, it's a challenge to raise children who will not "run hand in hand with them in the same excesses of dissipation" (1 Pet 4:4). We are daily inundated with lewd images, stories, lyrics -- how important it is to keep a watchful eye on our daughters and ensure that neither they, nor we ourselves, behave in such a manner as to be a temptation and a snare to others. "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion" (Prov 11:22).

Sexual immorality accounts for much of society's troubles I think -- failed and failing marriages; crimes against young girls and women; unwanted pregnancies; selfish, dishonourable modes of living. In a wonderful article entitled Teaching Your Daughters to Value Modesty, FamilyLife Canada instructor Cathy Reynolds writes, "... even when shopping for basic items like jeans and t-shirts, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find attractive, fashionable clothes for young girls that don’t show off a whole lot of skin. Tube tops, crop tops, clingy fabrics, low-cut dresses and low-rise jeans are all the rage...

"Given the current state of things, does modesty even matter anymore? Our culture tells us no, and we've been so affected by the world around us that sometimes we don't even stop to think about what our appearance says about us, or how it measures up to God's standards.

"God calls us to a life of purity, and modesty is a natural outworking of a pure heart. A speaker I heard recently told of young men in her church youth group who were complaining about what the girls in the group were wearing. These boys were sincerely coming to youth group to worship God, and they really felt that they were being distracted from that and even led astray by the immodest dress of the girls in the group. They didn't know where to look, and it was very hard on them as they tried to obey God and keep from lusting.

"Keep in mind that these were boys who were actively fighting against temptation. Imagine the impact of improper dress on men who have serious lust problems, or who don't even recognize it as a problem. I think that the proliferation of pornography and blatant sexual messages in our society today is linked to widespread immodest dress. What once would have been considered unacceptable and risqué is now not just accepted, but commonplace. No wonder some men have great difficulty in this area!...

"The way in which a girl dresses will also impact the kind of guy she attracts, which will in turn impact their behaviours and attitudes toward sex. As one young lady shared, "I know that the kind of things that I wear draw a certain kind of guy. And ultimately the guy that I want to have as a husband is a guy that’s committed to purity...

"You want to help them to understand why modesty is such an important character issue and teach them to make good decisions on their own. We've found it very helpful to be able to give our daughters reasons as to the suitability or unsuitability of a piece of apparel. It's good to be able to explain to them how a young man regards some of their fashion choices...

"Adult clothing styles are being mini-sized to fit young girls... this has led to the sexualization of pre-teen girls seeking to emulate their media heroes. And it's not just the clothes that are being adopted, but also the attitudes toward life in general and sexuality in particular. Kids are being made to grow up faster than ever before.

"We can diminish the influence of media by helping our daughters make wise choices concerning TV programs, videos, movies, music and reading material. It's important to begin at an early age to instill values and guidelines for making discerning choices. Talk about these choices in entertainment and fashion selection with your tweens and teens before they ever become issues...

"It is important to tell your daughter how beautiful she is, so that she doesn't have to go outside the family to hear this message. Even more vital than praising her appearance, though, is affirming her character. We need to counteract our culture's influence by placing value on what God values – the inner heart and character of an individual. The Bible says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov 31:30)" (read this article in its entirety here).

These are all things that mean a great deal to me as I endeavour to raise wise, virtuous young women in a world where Ms Upton's gyrations are described by Vogue as "improbably wholesome". While brazen lewdness and immodesty seem to be the order of the day, I certainly do not want to perpetuate, or contribute to it. Hopefully -- as with maxi skirts, vintage-cut swimsuits, and wearing pink -- modesty, refinement and delicacy will soon come back into style.

on kindness, and good manners

from Manners Can Be Fun, by Munro Leaf

So Rebecca has had her first taste of real meanness in school. An erstwhile "good" friend -- let's call her Joy (because yes, her real name is equally incongruous) -- decided one day to just snub her and completely cut her off without explanation. Considering they had parted on perfectly amicable terms the last time they were together, this sudden change of heart was both unexpected and bewildering (Rebecca was absent for a day before this happened, however, during which time Joy apparently hooked up with some other child, and underwent her metamorphosis).

When Rebecca arrived at school and greeted her, for instance, Joy pointedly turned and walked away. When Rebecca attempted to approach her, she became inordinately fascinated with her books and table. And, perhaps most hurtful of all, when Rebecca tried to find out what the matter was, she made a face and started talking to another girl, acting as if Rebecca was completely invisible, and letting her walk off alone.

Naturally, Rebecca was greatly taken aback by all this, and was glad to be comforted by another good friend, who happens to also attend church with her. When Rebecca came home and told me about Joy, I couldn't help feeling hurt on her behalf (as well as annoyed, when I remembered the treats I had previously given the child). I compared Joy's behaviour with that of Rebecca's church friend, and wondered what it was that made one child kind and compassionate, and another child mean and hateful.

Joy successfully snubbed Rebecca the entire day, and is still continuing to do so, as if they'd never shared any of the usual marks of friendship -- and as if she had never experienced any of Rebecca's kindness, generosity or caring. I add this last not as some commendation of Rebecca's exemplary sweetness, but to highlight the fact that I really think it takes a certain hardness of character to completely switch off and apparently forget whatever good a friend has brought into one's life.

I know of course that many grown-ups will say things like, "Well, kids will be kids", as if that somehow excuses that sort of mean-spirited behaviour. However, I was never like that as a child; most of my friends weren't; and I certainly never want to hear of my own kids behaving that way. I remember reading once that many people will show their true colours when they no longer need you, and -- innocent and lovely as we like to think young children are -- I think that applies to kids' friendships as well.

I did ask Rebecca to analyse her own behaviour as I believe it is important to address any weaknesses or shortcomings, but, as expected, she couldn't think of anything since, as I'd said, the girls had parted on perfectly amiable terms the last time they were together. Of course, as an adult, it's easy to see that some kid you've only known for a year or so in grade school does not make them your loyal, lifelong confidante, but again, that does not mean that unkind, faithless behaviour is acceptable.

I don't think anyone should rebuff or slight another without cause or the benefit of an explanation; no one should deliberately shame or cause another distress; no one should purposefully make another feel rejected and small. Young as they are, children do bring their behaviours and attitudes into adulthood, and I believe parents have a great responsibility in making sure they're the right ones -- our world is in desperate need of people who are kind, gracious and sensitive.

There are all sorts of reasons why one child is nicer than another I suppose, but at the fundamental level, I do believe that niceness -- what one might call "good manners" -- should be instilled in all children by all responsible parents. As Dr Sears writes, "Understanding the basis of good manners will help you help your child acquire them. Good manners, after all, are necessary for people to live together in this world. Gracious manners reflect a loving and considerate personality.

"The root of good manners is respect for another person; and the root of respect is sensitivity. Sensitivity is one of the most valuable qualities you can instill into your child -- and it begins in infancy. The sensitive infant will naturally become the respectful child who, because he cares for another's feelings, will naturally become a well-mannered person. His politeness will be more creative and more heartfelt than anything he could have learned from a book of etiquette".

I actually remember something fairly similar happening to me when I myself was in grade school -- a previously good friend decided one day to just have absolutely nothing to do with me. There was neither reason nor explanation given for this; she simply decided to cut me off (I think she was at least partially influenced by Pauline, the cool girl; I was decidedly "uncool").

The snub hurt of course, and I think I told my mother about it, because somehow or other it got back to my friend's mom, whom we knew. I've never forgotten what she made my friend do -- she called me up and apologised for her rudeness, then wrote a letter apologising further, then promptly stuck to me for the next three years (we're still friends now). I learnt later that her mother had given her a lengthy talking-to; it was not only that she felt that that was no way to treat someone who had been a friend through the thicks and thins of grade school -- she simply did not think that such behaviour was decent or acceptable.

Rabbi and author Shmuley Boteach writes, "Children are born neither good nor bad, but neutral. Children will emulate our behavior. If we scream at home, they will scream at school. If we show a sense of woundedness toward the world, they will become victims. If we show love and model generosity, they will have large hearts. We must be conscious of the fact that our children are always listening and watching".

Well, I know that Joy spends a large part of her time without parental supervision -- she goes to daycare every day after school. I do not pretend to know what manners or values she is taught at daycare, but ultimately, I do not think that that is their primary responsibility. Daycare is daycare -- parents need to parent. Daycare addresses a child's basic needs -- it isn't daycare's responsibility to ensure one's child is thoughtful, affectionate or good-hearted. Children learn such things through consistent, daily interaction with guardians who truly love them and care.

The good ol Dummies series of books has a great one entitled Parenting For Dummies, by Sandra Hardin and Dan Gookin . Among other guidelines parents can use at home, they suggest:

- Stress the importance of treating others the same way they'd like to be treated, especially when you see them doing something that you know they themselves don't like.

- Help your children understand the harm they can cause by doing or saying thoughtless and unkind things. Ask them, "How would you feel if someone pointed at you, and started to laugh?" In the beginning, you may simply be doing damage control, but eventually you'll be helping them to avoid harmful words or actions.

- When you want your child to show good manners and respect, you must also practice good manners and respect. Say please and thank you, admit your mistakes, apologize, and treat people, in general, with kindness and respect. The reward of this behavior is that your children will grow up having many friends and a family that loves being around her.

- Practice family politeness. Everyone in the family must practice "please" and "thank-you" policy in which, for example, no request is considered unless the person asking says "please." When one of your children forgets, just give him or her a look that says, "I'm waiting." They soon catch on.

In an excellent article entitled Mean Kids, relationships and parenting instructor Slovie Jungreis-Wolff writes, "It is time for us to teach our children that cruelty and unkindness will not be tolerated. Even if a child is not your friend, or 'not your type', and 'no one else is inviting her/him, anyway,' YOU must be kind. We are one people. There is no room for meanness in our lives.

"It is vital for parents to pay attention to our children’s character traits and ask ourselves these questions:

- How does my child play and interact with other kids?
- Does my child use hurtful words and sarcastic put downs easily?
- Does my child know how to apologize if (s)he hurt others?
- Does my child react compassionately if someone is hurt?
- Is my child often involved in bickering and conflicts?

"Recognizing our children’s character flaws is the first step toward creating compassionate children. If we are able to pinpoint the areas of weakness, we can then work on strengthening and building...

"We have come to measure our children through their success on and off the field, their popularity, and their grades. If they do well then we believe that we are raising successful children. We are wrong. Children who are mean and unkind are not being raised successfully no matter how popular they are; or how incredible their straight A report card seems" (read the article in its entirety here).

Oddly enough, Rebecca wrote this poem over the weekend, while still unaware of Joy's about-face. She'd intended to make collages with it for her neighbourhood friends, and had asked the hubs to print out several copies for her. We thought it weirdly coincidental when we subsequently heard what had happened in school, but I'm glad that Rebecca at least has some friendship basics down.

True friends are always there with you

There are bad times and others good

Yet true friends will be there through and through.

They keep you company and hold your hand

On a holiday at the beach,

They lie next to you on the sand.

Smile, giggle, dance or frown,

True friends will cheer you up when you're feeling down

Clap for you, sing for you, and play with you --

All you need are true friends right beside you.

True Friends, a poem by Rebecca

on sensitivity, and the lack thereof

The name porcupine apparently means ‘one who rises up in anger’.

My mother-in-law came over unexpectedly the other day -- well, unexpectedly to me, since the hubs was obviously in the know. I don't really like that sort of surprise thing, especially on the weekends, when I'm placidly thinking we're going to have quiet family time together.

Now don't get me wrong -- she's a very nice lady and we have a great relationship, which I know is a wonderful blessing, especially considering some of the things I hear about in-laws from hell. So this really isn't about her, or the fact that I appreciate being kept informed (which, however, I do, mister!).

The thing is, when I suddenly heard her voice right outside my room and asked the hubs about it, he answered, "Well, she was supposed to call first if she was coming so that I'd go pick her up; I guess she was free, so she just came over herself". To which of course I said, "What if we weren't in? Or what if I'd we'd planned to go out and do some family thing?". And he replied, "Well, then she'd just leave. She wouldn't mind at all -- she doesn't have all kinds of hangups and sensitivities".

Well of course that got me thinking; I was crafting, which is a perfect time to think philosophically about things. I couldn't help chuckling a little as I acknowledged the accuracy of the hubs' remark; it was true -- she is insensitive -- not in the hardened, callous sense, but rather, laid-back, sanguine and slow to take offence -- in other words, she is not hypersensitive.

Being moderately sensitive is generally considered a good thing, of course -- it is desirable that people are understanding, responsive, thoughtful, caring and empathic. And of course, we all know some clown at the other end of the spectrum -- my girlfriend's husband, for instance, who pretty much never takes her needs or feelings into consideration, and perish the thought that he'd buy her flowers, bring her out for a nice dinner, or fix things around the house without being begged on bended knee.

But more and more, I've come to realise that there is such a thing as being too sensitive -- when being responsive translates to being touchy, irritable and easily offended; when being empathic means reading a million non-existent things between the lines; when supposed caring actually makes one behave like a martyr -- and that it affects not only you yourself, but the people around you, and future generations as well.

I remember listening to a sermon by lay preacher Joel Osteen -- can't remember the title now -- where he described such people as "high maintenance", which is exactly right (I remember too, his point that continually subjecting oneself to such people -- catering to their needs, bowing to their demands, accepting their high-strung behaviour -- was "feeding their dysfunction", which is also exactly right).

Growing up, I had a guardian who was on the high -- read "extreme, uttermost, ultimate" -- end of sensitivity; you couldn't have the corner of your mouth off of a millimetre without having your evil motives exposed. The tone of one's voice, the expression in one's eyes -- it made life a daily walk on eggshells. If I did something wrong -- and strangely enough, kids seem highly prone to that -- the response would be as theatrical as possible: punishments designed to hurt and shame; withdrawals of affection; dramatic remarks like, "After EVERYTHING I've done for you" and "I am NEVER going to do nice things for you again".

Now as an older adult, I can look back on those times with some degree of indifference, compassion, and even humour. And they weren't altogether useless -- they taught me how to behave with my own children. I remember the dramatic remarks, and I avoid using them. I remember the silent treatments, and I am quick to forgive. I especially remember the touchy sensitivity, and I make a point not to over-react, to give my kids the benefit of the doubt; I make the effort to patiently listen them out, and if I do have to scold, choose my words as carefully as possible.

I think deliberately hurting one's child to "get back" at them for offending one is both cruel and childish, and doing so repeatedly can do nothing good for anyone involved. Positive reinforcement; maintaining a loving, stable relationship; and ensuring that "if you’re going to talk the talk, you’ve got to walk the walk" -- these are just some of the key things that I think go a long way toward being a wise parent and raising emotionally healthy, adequately sensitive, children.

Remember Mrs Fidget? As C.S. Lewis so eloquently put it, "anything will 'wound' a Mrs Fidget -- [enable] her to feel ill-used, therefore, to have a continual grievance, to enjoy the pleasures of resentment". But what creates a Mrs Fidget to begin with? On consideration, it seems to me that the Mrs Fidgets of the world have in fact an extraordinarily high level of what's called "emotional intelligence", or "the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions" (Salovey and Mayer, 1990).

Some time ago I'd read an excellent article by counsellor Steve Hein; entitled The Dark Side of Emotional Intelligence, the article was an analysis of the depressed, suicidal teens he worked with. "I have long suspected that a person's innate emotional intelligence could be warped by an abusive environment," he wrote. "Among these teens, I am finding that those I would consider to be the most emotionally intelligent are also fast learners and have good memory and recall. Because they are so emotionally hurt and starved, they are learning, remembering, developing and using unhealthy, destructive, hurtful or dangerous survival mechanisms".

He discovered, among other things, that these teens:
- learn to use their tone of voice, their words, their silence to manipulate.
- learn how to threaten with what will hurt or frighten others the most.
- become nearly constantly defensive and therefore lose their childhood ability to empathize.
- become bitter, cynical and sarcastic.
- learn how to verbally attack; they learn hurtful phrases and quickly recall and apply them.
- learn how to lay guilt trips.

"What is most sad to me is that all these teens I work with feel alone, unloved and unwanted," writes Hein. "They are desperate to feel connected, cared about, understood, loved and wanted. They often hate themselves, so they look for love in relationships. But they don't have the necessary ingredients to make a relationship work. They don't have the needed self-love or even self-acceptance. They don't have the relationship skills or communication skills. These things are not taught in schools and all they see are dysfunctional models at home.

"It is a vicious cycle. Their high level of innate EI has given them an ability to both feel emotional pain and to hurt others emotionally.... Because emotionally intelligent people are sensitive, they are easily hurt. They are also insecure from years of feeling disapproved of, disappointing, threatened, afraid, unworthy, inadequate, guilty, etc. Because of this insecurity, they take everything personally and are easily put on the defensive. Or they may go on the attack.

"I believe emotionally intelligent people from emotionally abusive and neglectful homes can become some of the most hurtful, manipulative, greedy, controlling, arrogant people in society... This is what I would call the dark side of emotional intelligence. It is something that could be prevented if parents, first, and teachers, second, were more emotionally competent.

"I make a distinction here between emotionally intelligent and emotionally competent. A parent does not have to be especially emotionally intelligent to stop invalidating their children and teens. A parent does not have to be an emotional genius to develop some basic listening skills" (read the article in its entirety here).

I've observed that people who routinely jump through the hoops of these sensitive souls become themselves edgy, irascible and neurotic; it can easily become a vicious cycle -- if you let it. I think if you have been caught in such a cycle, you can, indeed must, consciously, actively end it with you -- not let it infect your kids, and poison another generation.

I'd written a somewhat related post almost a year ago, based on a wonderful sermon series by Pastor Andy Stanley. It was about the importance of mutual submission in a family, something I don't think is possible if one is continually subjugating others to one's high-strung sensitivities and emotional needs. "Do you know what makes for great family?" he said, "Really happy family? It's families who have said, 'I'm willing to leverage all of me, for an us'. The only reason you don't is because you're selfish. Which means, you're not willing to loan yourself fully to the equation. Which means you will never be happy with your family, ever.

"Because your whole approach to family will be, 'If I can just get everybody to do what I want them to do, I'll be happy'. No, you won't be happy. You'll be large and in-charge; you will never, ever be happy or satisfied.

"Men, some of your wives can't get you to lean in. They're afraid to ask you anything. And they have no choice but to live their lives orbiting around your big ol' self... because you're more 'important'. And so they lean in and lean in until they fall over... And your kids lean in and lean in... because everybody's got to make Dad happy, and guess what -- everybody does everything they can to make you happy, and I know you -- you're still not happy!

"Because you don't get happy by controlling the people around you... The more power you have, the better servant you should be" (extracted from parts 1 and 2 of Future Family, by Pastor Andy Stanley).

So, going back to my mother-in-law -- while one certainly wouldn't describe her as being high on the EI front, I think there certainly is real merit to being her brand of insensitive (not the idiot clown type, mind!) -- her sanguinity has meant that she leads a largely peaceful, cheerful life, being on amicable, almost carefree, terms with just about everyone. Of course, there are times when that sort of "insensitivity" makes for some pretty silly, foolish, even thoughtless, words or behaviour, but they are surely more bearable than the intolerant, demanding, acrimonious spirit of the other.

In my walk with God, all this has come to mean even more to me than before. Most of us know the "love chapter" in the Bible -- it is surely one of the apostle Paul's more inspired pieces of writing. How true it is that love "does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]... Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening] (1 Cor 5-7).

Where are you on the sensitivity spectrum?

on fruits vs vegetables

Becky was recently asked to classify a bunch of different foods; she came home looking aggrieved, as she always does when she feels she's been wrongly or unfairly graded. "Is the tomato a fruit or a vegetable?" she asked me crossly. "A fruit," I replied, remembering this vaguely from high school biology. She went off, and started asking the same question of the hubs and every other adult she came across. The end result was that most adults considered the tomato a vegetable, but whether they thought it a vegetable or a fruit, all of them didn't know why it was so.

Becky showed me how she'd gotten that one point wrong on an otherwise perfect paper. So I asked her what I thought was the obvious thing -- did your teacher even define what constitutes a fruit and a vegetable to begin with? When she said no, I asked her how her teacher expected these 8-year-olds to know how to correctly classify the thing -- instinct? sixth sense? through some passing comment, since food classification is such a typical lunchtime topic?

Well of course, I had to explain in simple terms how to know what makes a thing a fruit or a vegetable, all the while wondering about the standard of teaching in our schools these days etc etc (in case you don't know -- if the thing has seeds, then scientifically, it is a fruit; fruits are developed from the flower's ovaries or tissues, and are used by the plant to disseminate seeds. The other parts of the plant that you eat are vegetables; interestingly though, I just found in Wiki that "in biological terms, 'vegetable' designates members of the plant kingdom". Which, theoretically, would include tomatoes, no?).

But anyway, I was tickled to find that Becky had posted in her blog about this whole affair -- in veiled, polite terms of course -- and I thought I'd share it with you! Possibly all the kids in her class got more educated by her one post than they might have otherwise (p.s. more pictures from our recent staycation here).

* * * * * * *

Here's Molly Mouse and Harland Sheepdog having their breakfast! Molly is telling Harland about the homework she got back from Mrs Roo yesterday. Their class has been studying food groups, she explained, and she had classified tomatoes as a "vegetable" and not a "fruit".

"I don't know why Mrs Roo said it was wrong," Molly told Harland sadly.

"Well, did she explain to you all what exactly a fruit is, and what exactly a vegetable is?" asked Harland.

"No..." Molly replied slowly.

"Then how would you know?" Harland asked.

"I don't know! Maybe it's something we're supposed to just know in our hearts!" Molly said.

"That's just silly," Harland said. "First, you have to know what makes a fruit a fruit, and what makes a vegetable a vegetable. But I can tell you why tomatoes are fruits and not vegetables. My Daddy helps take care of the garden and he knows all about it. He told me that if it has seeds, then it is a fruit. So, tomatoes are fruits. That also makes things like cucumbers, peppers and squash fruit. Of course, we also eat other parts of the plant, like the leaves or stems; those are vegetables".

"But you know," Harland continued, "My Daddy told me that the Supreme Court in a faraway country called the United States ruled that the tomato is a vegetable. They said that only if it was eaten in hand or in a dessert could it be classified as a fruit. Consumers think of tomatoes as vegetables, and that is how they should be legally defined".

"Ooh, you're really smart!" Molly said, impressed. "Thank you for explaining to me! Although I think then that a tomato could be a fruit or a vegetable, depending on if you were talking to a botanist or a chef!"

"You're right!" Harland said, and they both laughed and ate their tomato salad.

on words, and self-esteem

We were at the supermarket yesterday and ran into an acquaintance of the hubs. The man's wife was with him, and asked how old Becky and Ro are. Now Becky is of an average height for her age -- I've seen her with the rest of her class, and she is neither tall nor short. Ro, on the other hand, is tall for her age -- she is always the tallest in her classes, and most people never guess that she's just four.

Well, when people see Rebecca out alone, they don't think anything of it, but when they see her together with her little sister, their respective heights become comparable; and sometimes, like this bright woman, they would say -- loud and clear, right in front of her -- "She's not very big is she?".

And as I would say that no, her height's in fact pretty average, they would actually start disputing this, while Rebecca would be casting me these pained, stricken glances. Eventually I would politely smile and lead the kids away, and then be constrained to remind Rebecca that what these people say doesn't matter, that she's perfect just the way she is, and that ultimately, it's what's inside that counts.

But what is it with these dimwits and their lack of tact? Perhaps if someone said the same thing to that woman about her kid, she might well agree, while casting a critical, appraising eye over her child. It's not that being small is a bad thing, mind; it's the disparagement, the denigration, that goes with the observation. That is not something I will support or encourage -- young girls are under enough pressure from the world to look and behave a certain way as it is.

I guess adults usually have the upper hand when it comes to saying insensitive, belittling things to children, generally because children are simply too immature to formulate an adequate response. Instead, they absorb what they hear -- good or bad -- into their psyches, shaping their characters over time for better or worse.

Almost two years ago, I wrote a post about Marilyn Monroe and my hopes for my own daughters' self-esteem. In it, I quoted from the book The Secret Life Of Marilyn Monroe by J. Randy Taraborrelli: "... during [Marilyn's] pregnancy... she said, "'My little girl is always going to be told how pretty she is'… She was sure it would be a girl. 'When I was small, all of the dozens and dozens of people I lived with – none of them ever used the word 'pretty' to me. I want my little girl to smile all the time. All little girls should be told how pretty they are and I'm going to tell mine, over and over again'".

I went on to write: "How very, very sad. I do, in fact, know something of what she meant, which is why I always make sure to tell my daughters not only how beautiful they are, but how smart, and wonderful, and capable, and powerful they are too". If you have a quick look at that post, you'll see pictures of a book Becky had been writing in at the time; asked "How would you sum yourself up in one sentence?", she wrote: Fabulous.

I'd written that "I would love for my daughters to keep summing themselves up this way for the rest of their lives". I'm glad to say that Becky and Ro are still as spunky and confident as ever, despite their rubs with the real world, with all its false images and ideals, and tactless, insensitive adults. These latter individuals have unfortunately always been a bugbear in my own life, and it's annoying as heck to have to deal with them now that I have my own children.

As an example, I had wonderfully obtuse relatives who would feel compelled to say every time they saw me that I was pucat, a Malay term for "pale". While this does not seem especially bad  writing in English, it made me feel horrible as a child, for they were saying it critically, mockingly even, implying that I looked ashen, almost corpse-like. As I went into my tweens and the pointless observation continued, I tried to tan myself into a more acceptable shade, but, as anyone with fair skin knows -- you don't tan, you burn. Thankfully, I gave up on that scheme soon enough, but it was a long while before I learnt to shrug off such remarks.

In my post on the perception of beauty, I'd written, "One is bombarded daily by images of physical perfection, never mind how unrealistic, Botoxed or Photoshopped. Our culture creates impossible standards of beauty, and then somehow connects those standards to personal worth. It isn't always easy to learn to accept one's body without judgement".

Well, those same obtuse people would of course be making their observations on every other area of my life -- these were either direct criticisms, or else of the indirect comparison variety; as in, "Why can't you be more like so-and-so", or "So-and-so is so feminine, so neat, etc etc". I don't know if it's a girl thing, but I do know that these words affected me a great deal growing up, as they did my other girlfriends who were subject to the same thing. And now my own kids have to face this same mindlessness.

I don't understand these people -- most of them are parents themselves, and I would have thought they'd know better. But perhaps sensitivity is an inborn trait, something an inherently tactless person can only acquire with great effort. I see that those same insensitive relatives have not changed much in the past 40-some years -- just the other day, my aunt, on seeing me pottering about at home in my batik bermudas, goes, "Well, you're certainly not going to win 'Mother-of-the-year' -- you look like someone on skid row".

I'm thinking, I'm at home, I'm pregnant, I'm just trying to be comfortable and I'm so glad to have found lounge-y clothes that fit -- and you make these unnecessary, uninspiring remarks (this same lady, by the way, has been continually telling me how radiant the duchess of Cambridge is looking in her pregnancy; never mind that she's at least a decade younger).

It's often these very same day-to-day interactions that shape a person's self-image and sense of worth; I know from my own experience that these seemingly mundane exchanges can often have very profound effects. Every day is full of opportunities for us to build up or tear someone down; as a parent, I would like to think that I'm doing all I can to boost my own girls' self esteem -- goodness knows, there are enough discouragers out there -- and that does mean keeping a thoughtful guard on my mouth. Praise for their actions and accomplishments; appreciation and encouragement of their unique skills and qualities; reassurance that they are beautiful as they are; being done with the whole comparison trap... these are just some of the things I try to incorporate into our exchanges every single day.

My girlfriend sent me an excellent article from SheKnows.com, entitled 5 Steps to boosting your daughter's self-esteem. "Mothers are the first line of defense against unrealistic images and suggestive advertising," the author writes. "Mothers, sisters, daughters and friends have immense influence over the younger girls around them and words are powerful. Think twice about commenting on somebody's appearance, whether in a positive or negative way. Negative comments invite young girls to create an unhealthy sense of beauty...

"From a very early age, girls want someone to love them, to recognize their beauty and to treat them like a princess. You have an opportunity to be a young lady's biggest fan by encouraging them, recognizing their beauty and helping them discover their gifts and talents. Make an effort every day to tell your daughters that they are beautiful and to look at them with loving, rather than critical, eyes. When the world tells her she is inadequate, a reliable and genuinely devoted woman needs to show her she is perfect, just the way she is...

"You can empower [young girls] by encouraging their individual interests and recognizing when they excel... The tendency to want to "fit in" can also make a young girl feel inadequate when she doesn't measure up. Clearly communicate that "fitting in" isn't as important as creating and pursuing her own definition of happiness" (extracted from the article here).

Remember that saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say... ?"

on hair, and being there

Ever since Becky started morning school this year, I've been having to get her up at six every day to get her ready. Getting up at six has certainly never been much of a habit with me even under regular circumstances, but now that I'm usually up every few hours during the night with my pregnant calls to pee, it has been a bit of a challenge (though sometimes I'm actually up from about 3am onward; on those occasions I'm just sitting in bed waiting for the dawn haha).

Well, Becky takes about half an hour all in all, from brushing her teeth to finally getting her socks and shoes on, but I guess the most time-consuming part of the whole thing is her hair. As you probably know, B's hair reaches to her waist (we cut it whenever she's able to sit on it) and, as her school rightly expects long hair to be neatly tied, I usually spend a fair amount of time doing this.

I'd sit on the toilet lid cover, and she'd stand in front of me while I comb and braid her hair, and all the time we'd be talking about how her various classes are going, what someone at school said or did, or what hopes she has for her future sport meets or class responsibilities. Sometimes we don't talk about school at all; she might ask something about a particular occupation, or tell me about something she read in a book, or share her thoughts on what sort of bra she'd prefer next time (sports) -- any number of things really. But there's one thing we do every day that never changes -- just before she leaves, we hug and say, "Love you, have a good day, see you soon!" And I'd watch her skip off, smiling.

Do you think I'd pass up on all that just so I can get a few hours' extra sleep? Even if I had to do it for the next nine years or so (counting Ro)? But because of that, I've been having these regular exchanges with my cousin on the subject, whenever he happens to see us on the weekend. I might happen to make some reference to being able to catch up on some sleep on Saturday, or it might just occur to him out of the blue; but he'd look at Becky's long hair and go, "Why don't you just cut it all off? Then you won't have to wake up so early". Essentially, he means that then B can just get herself ready and see herself off.

Well, on the practical side, I can of course appreciate that short hair might be a little easier to manage, but since any hair beyond an ear-length bob needs to be tied anyway, I don't know that that would give me that much extra sleep. Besides, B needs the longer hair for ballet, and, as most young girls aren't exactly hankering for short boy cuts, I won't do that to her.

So invariably I'd try to explain that I don't mind, and that in fact I think these little sessions together before B starts her day do have a cumulative positive effect. Because once B heads out the door, she's in a different environment, with a different set of people, for more than half the day; I really do think it worthwhile for her mother to take the time to chat to her about social and academic things that tend to occur to her right before class (besides the last-minute extra money for treats, or homework things she forgot to get me to look at). More importantly, I really think it makes a difference to her to know that I care, and that she is loved.

But when I tell my cousin this, his invariable answer is, "Well, I never had that and I'm fine". This, of course, unfailingly reminds me of what I'd written in a post almost a year ago: "I know people who say, "Well, look at me -- nobody bothered about me when I was growing up and I turned out fine", but I find that flippant and shallow, because honestly, nine times out of ten, you're not "fine". The deep-seated insecurities, fears and hang-ups; the detrimental character flaws that hurt friendships, marriage, career and spirit; all the consequences of misguided decisions, reckless actions, and irrevocable choices... And again, to think of what might have been, how much better one might have done..."

I'm aware of course that my cousin's view is fairly commonplace -- many parents here have no qualms about letting their maids or in-laws take care of all their children's needs, seeing them for only a few minutes at night, largely indifferent to any issues beyond the superficial.

I know too that I can never adequately explain what I instinctively feel; what I do know is that it would have made a great difference to me, and many of my own friends, if we had had this sense of care and love as we were growing up -- not just in the big things, like making sure we were clothed and had enough to eat -- but in the smaller details, things which sometimes go unnoticed, for weeks, months, years; things which sometimes desperately need attention.

I think you can learn a lot about what someone is thinking or going through in just a few minutes of genuine interaction -- and I think you can do a lot to help or encourage or even turn things around for that person in those few minutes; how then can one say that it makes no difference to a growing child to have such support, to be able to start each day off right -- confident, peaceful, positive and optimistic?

I'd read a wonderfully-written article some time ago by the international lecturer Lawrence Kelemen, entitled Life is for love: Raising emotionally healthy children requires plenty of attention and affection. In it, he wrote: "The first step in loving a child is being sensitive to his needs and attending to them. This is not an easy task. Many new parents are shocked by how difficult it is to sustain sensitivity and attentiveness throughout the day and night. We have no choice, however, since attentiveness, and all the love it represents, is crucial to our child’s development.

"When we are attentive to a child’s needs, we create a sense of security and confidence -- what psychologists call attachment -- and this provides the internal strength children need to handle stress later in life... Research also links self-esteem to attentive parenting. Moreover, not only do attentive parents produce sons and daughters who enjoy greater self-esteem than other children, this positive self-image persists up to 20 years later.

"In one study of women raised in Islington, England, investigators found that children raised by more responsive parents were twice as likely to have positive self-image in their adult years as those raised by less responsive parents. And children who feel good about themselves have higher aspirations, do better in school, earn higher salaries when they grow up, and handle stress more effectively than children with low self-esteem.

"Parents sometimes worry that attentive parenting undermines independence and confidence. The opposite is true. “Children who experience consistent and considerable gratification of needs in the early stages do not become ‘spoiled’ and dependent,” explains Dr. Terry Levy, President of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children, “They become more independent, self-assured and confident"...

"As children mature, they continue to need parental attention... Elementary school children need us to listen to them as they retell the day’s adventures, and they will often repeat the same stories over and over again just to hold our precious attention. They crave our participation in their homework and in their play, too. If our children learn that they can count on us for the attention they so badly need during their early years, they will continue to turn to us throughout teenagehood, too.

"Affection is more than just attention. Attention just requires being responsive to a child’s needs. Affection is the next step. It is warm, and it is the most powerful medium we possess for communicating love. We need to make special efforts to infuse this magical ingredient into our interactions... Affection also primes children for friendship and intimacy. A plethora of scientific literature reports that children who receive more affection tend to have more positive peer interactions and closer friendships...

"Hugs defuse delinquency. So say researchers at the Duke University Medical Center who compared the backgrounds of normal children and delinquents. After controlling for a range of factors, the Duke researchers discovered that parental affection was the active ingredient. They conclude their report noting that, “Violent boys were almost twice as likely as matched control subjects to have fathers who never hugged them or expressed verbal affection.

"Criminologists at the University of Illinois and Northeastern University also report that lack of parental affection is “one of the most important predictors of serious and persistent delinquency.” Sociologists at the University of Wisconsin and Florida State University reviewing the psychological literature, similarly find “absence of warmth, affection, or love by parents” associated with aggressiveness, delinquency, drug abuse, and criminality...

"Taken together, the basic ingredients of love -- attention and affection -- might constitute the single most important factors in human development. Love is not a luxury... Practically, what all this data means is that we need to pour on lots of attention and affection, and this takes time -- more time than most people who are not yet parents would ever believe... Looking after a baby or toddler is a 24-hour-a-day job seven days a week, and often a very worrying one at that. And even if the load lightens a little as children get older, if they are to flourish they still require a lot of time and attention.

"For many people today these are unpalatable truths. Giving time and attention to children means sacrificing other interests and activities. Yet I believe the evidence for what I am saying is unimpeachable. Study after study… Long before the first child is born, we must come to terms with the fact that our lives must change dramatically; that we must refocus; and that sacrifices must be made...

"The average U.S. teenager speaks seven minutes a day with her mother and five minutes a day with her father... Providing for the emotional needs of our children is not easy. Children need love. They cannot thrive without our attention and affection. If this demands a reshuffling of our lifestyle, it is a reshuffling we will never regret" (extracted from the article by Prof Lawrence Kelemen; italics mine).

And so yes, I will continue to rise and shine at six -- to braid hair and share my kids' joys and woes -- however silly some might think me. At the very least, they will look presentable.