on being happy regardless

Ah, the weekend at last. Though Jakey has no respect for the sanctity of weekend R&R -- he literally knocks on my door every single morning at 6am (or earlier!) -- I do get to sleep a little more while the hubs goes pick him up, and I'm spared the rigours of french-braiding the girls' hair.

Anyway, I did want to share with you this book I discovered a few days back. I was catching up with a neighbour of mine who lives down the street -- she was lamenting the increase in her and her daughter's allergy sufferings ever since major construction work began behind our houses, on which daily meds have had no effect. I totally sympathised, because I've been observing the irritating effects myself -- smarty eyes and Ro's stuffiness and sneezing.

Unfortunately, the work is happening on the side where our bedrooms are, which necessitates keeping the windows perpetually shut -- while that may be keeping outdoor crap at bay, it's also keeping indoor crap in. I've decided to open the windows when it rains, but then they don't call it a drought for nothing.

Anyway, while we chatting, I saw this book on her table -- Stop Being Your Symptoms And Start Being Yourself, by Arthur J. Barsky, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of psychiatric research at Brigham and Women's Hospital; and Emily C. Deans, a clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a practicing psychiatrist in the Boston community. Opening it at random, I was struck by the point the authors made about how, in our modern world, we are "doing better and feeling worse" -- or the paradox of medical progress -- i.e., while we've now overcome many of the diseases that used to cause sudden or untimely death, like pneumonia or TB,we've had more limited medical progress with the "chronic diseases and frailties that come with a longer life...

"The result of these medical advances is that while they enable us to live longer, the proportion of life spent in ill health has actually increased. Our dramatic gains in lifesaving treatments have increased the proportion of people living with chronic ailments. Dementia is a vivid and omnipresent example. The incidence of dementia is rising because we can now treat the pneumonia, kidney failure and heart attacks that used to end people's lives before they grew old enough to become demented..."

"Trends in contemporary American society aggravate our distress and make coping with symptoms more difficult. They influence our personal psychology by heightening unrealistic expectations and supplying idealised images of good health, coaxing us into making upward comparisons. This in turn amplifies symptoms and makes them harder to live with... Our standard for judging good health has been elevated so much that we are now more bothered by symptoms and infirmities that in the past we were able to tolerate better".

My friend was reading the book because, as all sufferers of chronic ailments know, it's easy to sometimes get depressed, overwhelmed or anxious about one's symptoms. Well, of course I asked to borrow the book. According to the synopsis, the book explains the six-week program designed by Dr Barsky to overcome the symptoms of chronic illnesses.

The program "teaches patients to master the five psychological factors that make chronic symptoms persist through hundreds of exercises, worksheets, and patient examples. You may not be able to completely eliminate your medical symptoms. But it is possible to control your symptoms rather than letting them control you—to manage your pain, fatigue, insomnia, and anxiety. You can minimize your symptoms, learn new coping skills, and do more to make sure that your symptoms are not robbing your life of meaning and pleasure". Sounds good right?

Well, I'm still in the first couple of chapters, but thought I'd share a bit with you. "Two very important psychological factors determine how much our illnesses bother us and how satisfied we are with our state of health: our expectations about how healthy or ill we should be; and the health of those to whom we compare ourselves. In general, our satisfaction with a situation depends in large measure on what we think that state of affairs should be... Your dissatisfaction and distress with your health are relative and determined by comparing yourself to some standard -- that is, some imagined ideal of how healthy you should feel... We view our own situation in a more favourable light when we become aware of others who are in more difficult situations and confronted with worse problems".

And then from Chapter 3, or Week 1 of the program: "The attention you pay to a troubling symptom is one of the most important factors in how you perceive it. The more you concentrate on an unpleasant or uncomfortable sensation, the worse it becomes over time... If concentrating on a symptom increases sensitivity and discomfort, it follows that lessening the attention you pay it will decrease discomfort... you have the power to improve symptoms by distracting yourself and learning to ignore them".

In asking readers to track their focus on symptoms, the authors write, "Are you surprised by how much time you spend thinking about your discomfort, fatigue or pain? Were there times in the day when you did not think of the symptoms? What were you doing during those times? Wht did you do that made you think about the symptoms more? Is there a way to increase the amount of time spent in activities that help you decrease the discomfort from your symptom?" And then, in the "List of Distractions": "Spend time on an enjoyable craft project" -- yay! (all extracts from Stop Being Your Symptoms And Start Being Yourself, by Arthur J. Barsky and Emily C. Deans).

Of course, this book is written from a secular standpoint, and the Christians among us should already know and trust that Jehovah Rapha -- the Lord our Healer -- is always with us and wants to bless, heal and restore us, in His perfect way and timing. We need to always walk in faith, and speak positive words over our lives, however things may seem or appear. As Joyce Meyer writes, "After praying for healing, at least give God the same opportunity as you would a bottle of medicine! Keep taking your medicine, the Word, and continue leaning on God in absolute trust and confidence (Col 2:5)" (from Be Healed In Jesus' Name, by Joyce Meyer). But this book looks to be a promising read, and I know many of you do live with chronic discomforts and ailments that can be quite trying, to say the least. It's a great comfort to know you're really not alone though, isn't it! Do feel free to email me if you want to know more, or just need a shoulder :)

But on to some other fun-ner stuff. First off, I was really tickled by the reactions to my last post on the fwooarishly droolworthy Morten Harket -- friends even messaged me on my phone and FB haha.. So I thought I'd just share this little gem I'd found some time back; unfortunately, it's cut off quite abruptly, but it's certainly pleasant eye candy nonetheless.

And just before I go -- remember poor little Rila who was just stuck at her face? Well, my chips arrived and I finally put her all together. Here she is!

I renamed her Ryuko when everyone agreed that Rila was too soft a name for someone like her, and streaked and dyed her hair a funky, vibrant purple. I love her punky, edgy attitude -- I'm certain she's listening to 80's rock here!

I think she's softie at heart though, and she's looking for her forever home now. How can you say no to this face?

Have a blessed, restful weekend everyone! See you again soon!

when to laugh

I don't know much about Ricky Gervais beyond whatever I've seen of him on Graham Norton. There, he's funny, but not excessively provocative, and so I'd shrug and laugh along. But then some friends ("friends") on Facebook posted some FB posts of his, and they were funny too, so I popped over to his page to have a look.

I was scrolling happily along and chuckling to myself, when I came upon a post showing a picture of some men in front of a huge painting of Christ on the cross. I won't go into too much detail (lest I be guilty of sharing the joke!), but suffice to say that the caption at the bottom read, "Blasphemy -- A ticket to hell has never been funnier".

And you want to know the truth? I giggled. In fact, I think I did one of those snorting sort of laughs. I mean, it really was quite funny. And looking at it again now, I'm laughing again. But the thing is, I'm really bothered by the fact that I'm finding it funny. Well, I think I know why I find it funny -- I'm tickled by the fact that those men could actually think of such a thing, and actually pose like that, and then put it all together like a motivational poster.

But whether I should find it funny -- there's the rub. I mean, it's clearly sacrilegious -- that was Jesus, the son of God, dying on the cross. But the three fellows were being so shamelessly inane! I felt so troubled by my amusement that I actually prayed about it, and I did feel God reassuring me that I was not doomed for being unable to help my sense of humour. The Christian life is meant to be joyful, not dull and humourless.

At the same time, however, I did feel Him cautioning me against indulging too much in that sort of thing -- there is a fine line between good humour, and irreverence and mockery. Something that gets laughed at often enough gradually loses its value, its importance, its dignity -- one easily becomes flippant and disrespectful.

It's like the blonde jokes, you know? I don't like them. Some of them aren't too bad, but some really are, perpetuating terrible, belittling stereotypes which do great injustice to blondes everywhere, including millions of little blonde girls who will have to grow up under such an insulting stigma. So I try not to encourage such jokes, by listening to them, sharing them, or laughing with others.

I decided to see what other, wiser heads than mine had to say on the subject. I didn't know how to look such a thing up, and in the end Googled, "Is sacrilegious humour a sin?" Oddly enough, there wasn't much on the topic. I did find this (which, yes, made me chuckle), but it didn't strike me as being really downright SACRILEGIOUS. I did find a couple of the comments below it relevant though, such as this one by Fatima: "I don't think there is anything wrong with this. It is okay to laugh. God is not being mocked. It's people that are being mocked. and It's FUNNY!!! Lighten up guys lol".

That's the key I guess -- how mocking is the joke? Whether about blondes or almighty God, how scornful or contemptuous is it making me when I laugh? As Paul writes to the Galatians: "Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God]".

While on the topic, I decided to find out exactly what Ricky Gervais' stand on religion is. And this was the first thing I came upon. Now, this isn't a post about atheism, or bigotry, or fundamentalist anything, but I do object strongly to anyone mocking Christ publicly, on the cover of a magazine, knowing perfectly well that their celebrity would make it widely circulated. People don't need to see this sort of jeering and insult, our young people especially, who are trying to grow and find their way in an increasingly profane, immoral world.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't object to a person's atheism, but I do question the wisdom of treating godly or moral values with scorn; however idiotically the human followers of a particular religion behave, the principles to which they theoretically hold should be universally upheld -- principles such as love, peace, patience, kindness, self-control and so forth.

For Christians, the cross in part represents the theoretical upholding of such values, values which surely are in dire shortage in this fallen world of ours. Why mock or denigrate it? Make fun of some of its followers, maybe; sneer at them even if you must, but steer clear of what is inherently good, pure and holy. I believe this applies to all religions. Certainly, human failings might be deprecated and disaparaged, but not the ethics or credo which makes those humans strive to reach higher and overcome those failings.

So, I think giggling at my mom's comic on the fridge is okaaay (Moses is leading the Israelites through the Red Sea and rolling his eyes because they're saying things like, "Are we there yet?" and "I should have used the bathroom before we left"), but laughing at three immature fellows having fun with the crucifixion -- not so ok. (Also not ok -- What do you call an intelligent blonde? ...).

Trust you're all having a happy, lighthearted week!

on deception, and mercy

Random Jake pictures because I didn't have anything more suitable.

Hi everyone! How have you been? I know it's been awhile, and I truly thank everyone who is still faithfully sticking with me! I was just telling a good bloggy friend the other day that I had a nagging consciousness that I hadn't posted for some time, but that I'd have to wait till Jake is at least a year old before I got back to writing regularly again. And she said, "Don't be stressed out about blogging. Family is far more important!" How true!

Still, sometimes there are things I really want to share or talk about, and so I do it in bits till a post finally comes together haha.. Like this. It has bothered me enough to want to get it off my chest and hear your thoughts on it as well.

Some nights back I was at my cousin's place; the kids were all playing together when my aunt came in asking who had throw a can of pop into the wastepaper basket in the study. Now obviously she meant someone in my cousin's household, and most likely, one of my cousin's kids, who apparently had done the deed a couple of days prior. Because the wastebasket is in the study, it's clearly not meant for edibles, and a trail of ants had appeared there.

Well, everyone automatically started saying it wasn't them, and so my cousin's wife narrowed it down by saying she had given the pop to Marine, one of their daughters. So of course the family started accusing her, saying it was so typical of her, etc etc.

The thing is, Marine kept insisting she hadn't done it; on being pressed further, she said she only remembered leaving it on my aunt's table (which is also typical) (and would also have created a trail of ants). Well obviously, now the whole thing started shifting from the thoughtlessness of throwing foody crap in the study, to whether Marine was actually lying.

Finally, my cousin's wife took Marine aside to where we were sitting, and sternly asked her point blank whether she was telling the truth. Again and again, Marine insisted she was -- this was when it came up that she remembered just leaving it on her grandmother's table. One last time, my cousin's wife asked Marine to promise her -- before God -- that she was telling the truth. Having helped take care of the kids for many years, I knew this was the ultimate; usually if the kids really were fibbing, they would admit it at this point, if not earlier.

Marine was already crying by this time (she is nine, by the way), but declared again that she was telling the truth -- she only remembered leaving it on my aunt's table (for which thoughtlessness she did apologise). She said she had drunk some pop in the study, then drifted over to her own room to offer her brother some, then drifted back to the study, where she left the pop. Knowing Marine as well as I do, I felt sure she was telling the truth -- as in, she honestly believed she'd left the can on the table, and did not remember chucking it in the basket.

Well, my cousin's wife was quite prepared to leave it at that, saying either she or someone else, possibly my cousin or even my aunt, had absentmindedly done it. But, perhaps because he'd been somehow vaguely brought into it, my cousin took Marine to the next room and for the next 20, 25 minutes at least, subjected her to a barrage of interrogative questions, in his most blustering tone, from where exactly on the table did she leave the can, to how long she had waited for her brother to drink from it.

At the start of this interrogation, I could hear Marine stoutly sticking to her story, but as it went on, I could hear her tearing up, and getting increasingly confused, stressed and worn out. She couldn't remember exactly on which corner of the table she'd left the can, or how long she'd waited for her brother, or what exactly she'd drifted off to do next after she'd left the can. Well, surprise -- this was like two days ago.

I felt so bad for her, but then I got really upset when I heard him telling her that she was a liar -- he knew her, and he knew she was lying -- she could fool us, but not him. After Marine left us (crying), I told him frankly that I was very dismayed with how he had handled the whole situation -- that no good could come from bullying and intimidating a child like that, and more than that, believing the worst of the child and accusing her without concrete proof.

Well, needless to say, he got all riled up and defensive, and started blustering at me about how he could just see it in her eyes -- he knew. All the circumstantial evidence pointed to her being the guilty person, he said. He went on and on about how she couldn't remember the facts clearly, like where exactly on the table she'd left the can. He reasoned that that showed she was making it up -- how could she possibly remember leaving the can there, and not be able to remember the specifics. She was just coming up with that story to explain what she'd done with it.

I said it was perfectly possible to do that, especially absentmindedly -- I myself continually think I've left crafting stuff somewhere on the dining table for instance, but find later that they're not there, and I'd actually left them somewhere else altogether. When one is distracted, or has a million ideas preoccupying one, one can easily do things like that.

My point was that it was possible that she sincerely did not remember throwing the can in the basket; that as far as she could remember at all, she had just left it on the table. Did that mean she wasn't the one who threw in the basket? No, of course not -- but it did mean that she wasn't lying about it, which was the main thing right? A lie, after all, is "a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth".

I felt it was wrong to accuse her based on circumstantial evidence and a "gut feeling"; if there was any chance at all of her not lying, I felt we should believe the best of her and just take her at her word. I believe browbeating her in some cop-movie attempt to trip her up and catch her in her guilt is just futile and damaging -- trust me, I know the long-term effects of unmerciful harshness and negative labels. Harsh parenting is connected to low self-esteem in children, and is one of the surefire ways to, over time, cause serious rifts and even total alienation. "Do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them]" it says in Colossians, "lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit]".

Well, the next thing I knew, we were getting into some stupid debate about criminal culpability -- he actually brought up how a person with dementia who murders someone is still a murderer, even if they honestly don't remember doing it. I couldn't quite follow this parallel at all, and could only say, yes, the person is a murderer, but one can't actually say they lied about not remembering.

In sum, several relational and parenting rules became reinforced in my mind. 1) Always be compassionate, and believe the best of people; 2) Avoid negative assumptions and labels; 3) Don't abuse your position of power; 4) Be firm, but kind; 5) Don't yell; and 6) Temper justice with mercy.

I also read up on dealing with kids when they lie -- because all our little angels will do it, at one point or another; heck, all of us do. I found these points in a great article by Dr Victoria Samuel, a clinical psychologist who works within a specialist child team in the UK's NHS:

1. Calmly name the issue but don’t demand confessions
Don't ask questions about behaviour if you already know the answer! Trying to force your child to confess is rarely effective: most children (and adults) will lie to protect themselves when put on the spot...

If you know your child is lying to avoid getting into trouble calmly describe the problem: "I see you got pen on the wall, how can we sort that out?" If possible, avoid lecturing or criticising your child as this tends to be counter-productive, leading to defensiveness and more lying...

Never call your child a liar; negative labels such as this can erode self-esteem and lead to self-confirming behaviour. Similarly, it is not helpful to bring up past transgressions "This is the third time you’ve lied about this".

If you catch your child telling a blatant lie, tell them you know they're not being honest: "I know that isn't true. It's normal to worry about telling the truth if we're afraid we've done something wrong, but lying isn't helpful. Let's see what we can do solve the problem".

2. Try to understand why your child is finding it hard to be honest
It's important to think about why your child feels she needs to lie. Perhaps your child lies about the marks she get at school because she is feeling overly pressurised to achieve. Or if your child repeatedly lies about their actions to avoid discipline, perhaps the consequences you are using are so severe that your child is too afraid to tell the truth. Remember that consequences are about teaching a child, not inflicting distress.

3. Teach your child about why lying doesn't work
Teach your child about the importance of telling the truth and how lying can stop people believing them even when they are being honest. A good way to do this is to read books with your child which give a clear message that lying is not helpful; 'The Boy who Cried Wolf' is an obvious example. It helps to take time after reading the stories to chat with your child about what he has learnt. Remember this should be relaxed and fun, not a morality lecture!

4. Respond with clear consequences
By around the age of six, children are able to know the difference between truth and lies. So if they lie to try to cover up something they've done, it may be helpful to give consequences, both for the lying and for the behaviour they are attempting to conceal. Make it clear to your child that honesty will get your approval and mean they get off more lightly.

This approach means that if your child does something wrong they're less likely to take the risk of covering up with a lie. Again, remember that consequences should not be overly severe as this may push your child to lie to protect themselves.

5. Set a good example
Remember that children learn more through watching other people's behaviour than through any other form of direct guidance or discipline. Unfortunately this means that if you're prone to being economical with the truth, be it mouthing "I'm not in" when your mother-in-law rings, or by taking a few years of your child's age when buying a bus ticket, you will inadvertently be teaching your child that lying is acceptable.

6. Praise honesty
Always be encouraging and positive whenever your child tells the truth and praise them for being honest: "Thank you for telling me you broke the glass. I really like it when you’re honest". (extracted from How to deal with lying and encourage honesty; italics mine. Read the article in full here).

Have a kind, loving week, my friends -- catch up again real soon!

on envy, and contentment

Sadie takes Orso just the way he is.

I was sitting with my aunt's church group the other day and talk turned to a certain church member, Lauren, whose life was apparently perfect. It seems she has four grown daughters, all of whom have successful, well-paying careers, and more than that, they all "married well"; i.e., they married husbands who also have successful, well-paying careers. Lauren herself is a well-off retiree and so the upshot of it is that she and her husband are leading very comfortable lives, regularly posting pictures on Facebook of the family on holiday, eating at expensive restaurants, and wearing expensive things.

"Wow, great huh?" my aunt said. "Lauren and her husband don't have to worry about anything; her daughters are doing so well". There was a chorus of agreement. And then, she added what was clearly in everyone else's mind: "You can't help but envy
them".

I was silent the entire time, but at that, I felt I simply had to speak up. It wasn't just that I'd heard that kind of senseless dross before, but I felt so bad for my cousin (my aunt's daughter), who was also there, and flashed me a stricken, exasperated look. Because obviously, if you envy someone else's life, you're clearly dissatisfied with your own; and if you think someone's else's children are successful and have married well, you clearly think your own aren't, and haven't.

"Why do you say these things?" I said. "Success isn't defined by wealth. And you don't know what their private lives are like, or what's going to happen to any of them in the future. Why can't you just be happy with what you have?" Now my cousin isn't a highfalutin career woman, but a full-time mom with two wonderfully decent teenage sons. But heck, when was the last time you heard someone going, "Gee, she's a full-time stay-at-home mom raising kids -- you can't help but envy her"?

Needless to say, the conversation swiftly went off on a pointless tangent, with my aunt going, "I didn't say Constance didn't marry well" and me going, "But you just said you envied Lauren's daughters' marrying well", and my aunt retorting, "Well, they did -- they're doing great; they lead such comfortable lives", and me replying, "Which means you don't think you're doing great!"

Of course, I don't think my aunt had really given much thought to what she was saying. And many of us are guilty of much the same thing, looking longingly at someone else's whatever, and at the very least thinking, "If only...". But these feelings of discontentment often have insidious effects, and only keep growing if left unchecked.

Ever since I was a kid, I've been witness to this sort of thing -- people envying other people; parents envying other parents; moms comparing their daughters and making their kids feel bad about themselves. Never mind that my aunt is actually living quite comfortably, has several gorgeous grandchildren, and a daughter who's happily married (which in this day and age of divorce and rampant philandering, is an achievement in and of itself). The fact that she's not raking in big bucks and coupled with a millionaire husband somehow seems to make her life, at best, lacklustre, and at worst, a failure.

As a stay-at-home mom who's not raking in big bucks myself, I can imagine what my cousin is feeling. But while my aunt -- contented-Christian-who-ought-not-to-covet though she is -- is not entirely happy with her lot, I hope my cousin has not let it affect her. For surely being made to feel a failure, or like you've fallen short, is one of the worse things to go through life with. I hope she knows that being a fulltime mom makes her just as valuable, and as much a success, as Mrs Lawyer or Mrs Director at the office.

"Thou shalt not covet" is one of the ten commandments -- clearly, envy has been a problem since time immemorial. In fact, the commandment in full reads thus: "You shall not covet your neighbour's house. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour". God was obviously trying to cover all the bases -- knowing people, He had to! Today, it could just as soon read, "You shall not covet your neighbour's car, your neighbour's job, your neighbour's straight-A kid -- indeed, your neighbour's life".

I think God knew that envy and covetousness would not only breed misery in one's own life, but in the lives of those one is close to as well. Nowhere does envy cause more grief I think than in one's own family, among one's own children. Almost every child starts off with an innate desire to be pleasing to his or her parents, to make his or her parents proud. But of course every child is gifted differently, and unfortunately, not always to his or her parents' tastes. Dissatisfied, discontented parents quickly make their children feel inadequate and unacceptable, and is simply a recipe for disaster. "Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?" it says in Proverbs.

The perfect scenario of course is where parents, already confident in themselves, transfer that confidence to their children. These are the parents who are supportive, who celebrate their children's unique strengths and abilities, and truly love who they naturally are -- whatever stage of life they're at. Expressing envious dissatisfaction -- whether to an eight-year-old or a forty-eight-year-old -- only wounds and tears down, and does no one any good. "Never underestimate the power of jealousy and the power of envy to destroy. Never underestimate that" Oliver Stone (of all people) once said.

The key I think is to simply stop comparing oneself to other people! And to start focusing on, and truly appreciating, all the blessings and positive things in one's own life. I strive to be very careful of my words around my own kids, steering clear of such phrases as "If only you..." or "Why can't you be more like...". I am so conscious of the fact that enviously comparing -- whether children, or belongings, or entire lives -- essentially implies that I wish my own were different. I think going through life like that only leads to despair.

Which reminds me of a devotion I read not too long ago. It was entitled Start enjoying you. "...Scripture says that we have the mind of Christ. We can think. speak and learn to behave as Jesus did, and He certainly did not ever compare Himself with anyone or desire to be anything other than what His Father had made Him to be. He lived to do the Father's will, not to compete with others and compare Himself with them.

"I encourage you to be content with who you are. That does not mean that you cannot make progress and continually improve, but when you allow other people to become a law, you are continually disappointed. God will never help you be someone else. Remember that being "different" is good; it is not a bad thing. Celebrate your uniqueness and rejoice in the future God has planned for you. Be confident and start enjoying you!" (extracted from The Confident Woman Devotional, by Joyce Meyer).

Here's to celebrating our own unique selves, lives and successes! Have a blessed, contented weekend everyone!

P.S. Ophelia found her mommy -- without layaway! More about that soon :)

on re-appointments and pressing on

Well, I didn't expect to be posting again so soon, but well, this was on my mind. Remember how I'd mentioned in my last post that a lady had requested that I reserve Ophelia for her? Well, she not only wanted me to reserve her, but also to do layaway. Layaway -- or payments by installments -- is common in the world of art dolls (or maybe expensive things in general); artists who accept it generally expect an initial immediate deposit and the rest of the payments within a reasonable period of time, usually a month or so.

Well, I put a "reserved" sign on Ophelia's listing, and then waited to hear back from the lady about her deposit and payment plan. Most collectors know that an immediate deposit is expected -- after all, how can something be taken off the market and put aside for one without any assurance of payment? However, this lady did not get back to me till a whole day later, and then it was to say that she wanted layaway for two months instead of one.

Now it's clearly detailed in my shop policies what layaway plan I accept -- full payment within a month, with an immediate deposit of at least $100 -- but I decided to step out in faith and agree to her two-month request -- still without receiving any deposit from her. I told her it was fine, but I needed an immediate deposit to hold the reservation. Well, another full day passed with no response from her, and I decided to write her again, politely but plainly telling her that it would really be good to settle the deposit and payment details as soon as possible.

Well, almost three days from when she first asked me to reserve Ophelia for her, she finally wrote back, saying she was sorry, but some family thing had coincidentally come up right then, and she would have to back out of the reservation. And that was it. I'd put off I don't know how many other potential adopters with that "reserve" sign, and had even told another person who'd expressly inquired, that Ophelia was spoken for (yes, I contacted her again, but she said she had committed to another doll and couldn't afford Ophelia right then).

I don't know, y'know? To me, asking someone to reserve something is as good as making a commitment to buy -- just because you haven't shelled out any money, it doesn't mean you can freely back out of a transaction or go back on your word. In fact I think it really unfortunate that it's money that holds many people to a promise or a deal.

Ebay has a "commit to buy" button and there's a reason for that -- whether you pay for the item right away, or further down the road, you are expected to pay for it once you have said you would, and clicking on that button comes with all sorts of legal fine print. On Etsy however, there isn't such a button with all the legal ramifications and seller protection -- a lot of artists simply operate on plain faith and goodwill.

I'm sorry of course if she really did have some huge family problem, but these exquisitely coincidental timings tend to suggest buyer panic and remorse. Well, one should always think out big-ticket purchases carefully, but beyond that, one should also consider what implications one's words and actions may have on another. Sellers whose shops are their bread-and-butter can ill afford such fooling about. This is probably why many artists have to coldly state their payment policies within the listings themselves, and include such plain statements as, "Serious buyers only please" and even "Don't buy if you're not familiar with custom Blythes!!!"

In my disappointment, I spoke to a wonderful doll artist with whom I'd recently become friends. She immediately told me several horror stories of her own, saying, "I wasted my time more than I like to and it's always a disappointment when this happens. You feel cheated on. Now I hate to require a deposit because I always want to trust people... If I keep making dolls for a few more years, I might end up writing a book of sad dolly stories!"

Well, when things like this happen, I always find my mind going back to that verse in the Bible that says: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes', and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one". I'd written a post some three years back on something sort of related; in it I'd written: "It's funny/sad how people often say things they don't mean, commit to things they never intend to see through, are double-minded, unreliable...

"I just wonder, huh? As in, WHY do people do this? Why say one thing when you mean another, why say you will when you won't... And if one can be like this in even small, simple things, how does one deal with bigger issues, matters of importance that require unshakeable integrity, commitment or trustworthiness? It strikes me as I write this however that it really doesn't matter whether something is small or big -- we should mean what we say all the time, be honourable and dependable in all our dealings".

This morning, however, my devotional reading was: Dealing with disappointment (I know right??) "When things don't prosper or succeed according to our plan, the first thing we feel is disappointment. This is normal, but we must know what to do with that feeling... In Phil 3:13 the apostle Paul says, "But one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead".

"When we get disappointed, then immediately get re-appointed, that's exactly what we're doing. We're letting go of the causes for the disappointment and pressing toward what God has for us. We get a new vision, a plan, an idea, a fresh outlook, a new mindset, and we change our focus to that. We decide to go on!" (extract from New Day, New You, by Joyce Meyer).

So I decided to practice shrug therapy -- just shake it off, believe the best of the person, and go on. So here are pictures I'd posted on my shop's FB page right after the fact (that is Absinthe Bear, good friend and counsellor to all dollies):

Don't cry Ophelia.

I'm still here.

Let's write a letter. How about: "Dear everyone, a reservation to adopt is a commitment and we are stepping out in faith. It breaks our hearts when days later, you back out and leave us, when our real mommy might have come along, and then left, because we were 'reserved'".

Don't be sad. In life, we are all called to be strong.

Keep your chin up baby.

And today I posted:

Back on her feet again :)

Here's to getting re-appointed, with fresh new visions, outlooks and mindsets! Press on, press on, and have a super lovely rest of the week everyone :)

A bird ballet by Neels Castillon

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
~ Emily Dickinson

Have a soaring, transcendent week, everyone!

what is an empty desk

He knows exactly where that self-pasting scrapbook is.

So. Having gotten into a "thing" with a certain somebody about the kids' untidiness, I decided to sit down and find out once and for all if being messy was such a terrible thing. Of course, I don't really have time to do much research or a thesis on this, but I did want to look further into that famous image of Einstein coolly reading at his horrendously cluttered, untidy desk.

See, the children's messiness doesn't bother/stress/completely traumatise and spoil my whole day as much as it does.. certain people.. because I myself am unarguably, immutably UNTIDY. I've spent most of my life, from childhood up, trying my best to change, but I've finally come to accept, over 40 years later, that I can't. I am what I am. On any given day, my desk is covered with papers, drawings, notes, reading material, torn scraps and sundry piles of what may most easily be described as "things".

My mother used to take it almost as a personal affront that I didn't keep my room tidy, and it wasn't till I was nearly an adult that I one day told her I wasn't deliberately trying to make her mad; I just really couldn't help it -- I honestly didn't register how cluttered my desk or room was. The disorder was really in the outermost periphery of my mind, if it were there at all; simply put, I was entirely focused on whatever it was I was working on at the time and all that "stuff" was just white noise -- mere elevator music.

The fact was, the mess didn't bother me because it didn't negatively affect me. As any untidy person will tell you, I pretty much always knew where my things were, despite and amidst all that chaos. It was when my mother came in and tidied up, apparently unable to bear the sheer stress of seeing my stuff like that, that I would lose things. Then would begin the usual routine of, "Mo-o-om!! Where did you put my fill-in-the-blank??", followed by the nebulous, indeterminate description of the article I was in search of.

And now, almost 45 years later, my own children are being subject to the same routine. Not by me, of course. I'm the one who gets "scolded" on their behalf. And I go off and scold them, largely because I don't like having my peace being affected by such things, and all the while understanding in my heart why they must have alllllllll these things out, or why they do this this this and this and then rush off and do something else and leave them all there.

Don't get me wrong now -- as with most things, I believe balance is key; extreme hoarding, chaos and dirtiness are unacceptable and even worrying. I do expect some degree of tidiness; one oughtn't to leave Lego pieces right in the middle of the passageway for me to trip over, for instance. Clothes should be hung, borrowed items returned, and so forth. And things which even they agree is junk should be thrown out -- by them, not someone else. But is messiness so bad as to actually warrant anger? stress? conflict?

Some time ago I'd read an MIT research paper entitled Is it better to be messy or neat? An etiology of messiness. "Messiness is often associated with artistic, creative and scientific or mathematical genius, spontaneity, but also with carelessness, eccentricity, madness and unreliability. Neatness is associated with preparedness, confidence, attention to self-presentation, efficiency, and stability, but also with hierarchy, rigidity and mundanity.

"Famous examples of each personality type abound. In the messy camp, Albert Einstein, Francis Bacon, Alexander Fleming, and Alan Turing were all notoriously messy geniuses whose unkempt appearances matched their chaotic laboratories and studios...

"Why are people messy? The simplest theory is that messy individuals perceive the cost of tidying to be less than the potential benefits... A second theory is more attentional: that messy people are perpetually distracted with things that are 'more interesting' or important than tidying up. This is a subconscious choice that happens instinctively, as things grab their attention: 'as soon as we have finished with the coffee cup, it is invisible to us. We simply don’t see it. It’s like that stage of a baby’s development at which, if something leaves its grasp, it ceases to exist' [Abrahamson]" (read in its entirety here)

Interestingly, German researchers have found that a messy desk can actually lead people toward clearer, more organised thinking. They found that people actually thought more clearly when all around was chaos, as they sought to simplify the tasks at hand.

In an article for Digital Journal, the author writes, "If you understand the term 'controlled chaos', it may mean you're smarter than the rest of us. It's Monday morning and your boss walks in, eyeballs your desk and says, 'How can you find anything in this place?' If you're like me, you simply can't find anything if your world is completely clean. When we have people over, I clean the house, only to realize I will never find certain things again. To me, a clean house is disorderly, and a disorderly house is comfortable...

"Einstein once asked, 'If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what then, is an empty desk?'... Of course, Einstein's long gone, but apparently I'm not alone because Eric Abrahamson and David Freedman have co-authored a book called A Perfect Mess: The hidden Benefits of Disorder - How Crammed Closets, Cluttered Offices, and On-the-Fly Planning Make the World a Better Place...

"The book [illustrates] that those of us who aren't completely neat are more creative... The fact is, says the book, messy people generally have a personality trait that leaves them open to new experiences. We are less rule-bound. Things don't have to be exactly so to make us feel productive" (extract from the article by Lisa Angotti; read in its entirety here).

Indeed, in an interview, author David Freedman -- who also writes on science, business and technology for publications like The New York Times, The Harvard Business Review, Science, and Wired -- said, "In some ways you give up a lot when you have a neat, pristine place -- there are real advantages to messiness and what works best is really having a balance between the two.

"Neat and very organized people tend to be extremely judgmental and it's not just that they want to keep themselves neat and ordered, they have a lot of trouble with other people's messiness -- and they're constantly trying to get messy people to clean up. And we as a society have bought into this notion and the thinking is always, 'Well, there's something wrong with the messy person' and they have to change themselves to become neat.

"The thing that's the big problem is when a naturally messy person, for whom everything is working fine feels, for whatever reason, obligated to try to be neat and more ordered. That's the real problematic situation and that in fact is the situation most of us find ourselves in. Trying to get a messy person to permanently change is fruitless and will only cause tension. And studies back that idea up that you can't really change your level of messiness in any permanent way".

I agree with that last at any rate. It's not that I'm being dismissive and saying kids will be kids (though they will be) and so their untidiness is perfectly acceptable, but I am saying that perhaps there should be a bit of "battle-choosing" (I'm avoiding the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff" because I know clutter can take on decidedly massive proportions in a neat person's mind). Many adults -- the super-tidy ones especially -- take their kids' messiness as a kind of personal insult, rebellion, a display of perversity or disrespect -- they get positively offended.

I say, think of kids "holistically" -- their untidiness is just one aspect of them; it does not necessarily reflect the quality of their upbringing, nor is it necessarily bad. Insolence, defiance, delinquency and disobedience are far bigger problems, I think, and values and morals of much greater concern -- children should live on their parents' (reasonable, fair, kind) terms while they are dependent on them. But to a great extent I accept my children as they are -- to paraphrase author Joan Ryan, they are exactly the people they are supposed to be. I'm glad and thankful my kids are loving, respectful, thoughtful and obedient, so I'll celebrate their boundless creativity, their fleet-footed inventiveness, and their wonderful ability to multitask.

What's your desk like?

hello

I got some crafting done -- one Tabby satchel.

Hi everyone! Just a super quick post today to check in and say how are you, and I hope you're all doing peaceful and well. It's been busy and challenging and lovely and sweet here -- learning to be brave, learning to be calm, learning to be grateful -- life, basically. It has brought to mind the words of my much beloved Le Fanu: "Thus, if there are afflictions, there are also comforts: great consolations, great chastisements. There is a comforter, and there is a chastener. Every man must taste of death: every man must taste of life. It shall not be all bitter nor all sweet for any. It shall be life. The unseen ministers of a stupendous equity have their eyes and their hands about every man’s portion; as it is written, 'he that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.’

"It is the same earth for all; the same earth for the dead, great and small; dust to dust. The same earth for the living. 'Thorns, also, and thistles shall it bring forth,' and God provides the flowers too".

Keep smiling, dear friends, see you soon!

just hold your head high and keep those fists down

As with lots of kids, Becky and Ro do enjoy their share of goggle-box entertainment, but I've taken care to always limit the amount of time they spend on it, and to monitor what they actually do watch as well. While I do allow the occasional inane programme -- ok, I have to admit Phineas and Ferb is funny -- I generally try to ensure the shows have at least some educational and moral value.

Every so often, I'll recall a show or movie I enjoyed as a child, and I'll ask my husband to see if he can find the DVD of it. The kids will sometimes moan and groan when they hear that tonight we won't be watching Barbie (get the 12 Dancing Princesses though -- it really is good), but invariably they get into -- and really enjoy -- the shows I pick.

Well, last night the hubs put on To Kill A Mockingbird, which I'd asked him to get. There was much doubtful hemming and hawing about how the kids were probably too young for it, how black-and-white movies would bore them, how racism is too deep an issue for them to grasp, etc etc. I simply said that I'd enjoyed it very much when I was their age, and that was enough.

Long story short, the kids got totally engrossed in it, Becky especially (she's eight); she even cried when Tom Robinson gave his testimony, and was later shot dead trying to escape. Without doubt the film and book bring up many deep issues to ponder -- racism, rape, the courage to stand up for one's principles, and the loss of innocence, to name a few -- and I was glad to answer Becky's questions and discuss them with her in greater detail. She asked, for instance, what "nigger" meant; when I'd explained, she likened it to the protagonist Jesminder being called "paki" in the movie Bend It Like Beckham. I was glad that she was upset by such offensive, disparaging bigotry, and the fact that it continues till this very day.

I did To Kill A Mockingbird in school when I was about 13, but it was the image of those carved figures left by Arthur Radley in the knot of the tree that has never left me since I saw the film when I was seven. Gregory Peck, still unbelievably handsome at 46, was phenomenal as Atticus Finch; the author Harper Lee -- whose own father was an attorney who had defended two black men accused of murder -- even gave him her father's watch and chain because he reminded her so much of him. And the music, written by the amazing Elmer Bernstein, is as haunting now as it was some 50 years ago.

Seeing the kids' rapt attention reminded me that some works are classic and ageless for a reason, and one should never underestimate a child's profundity. Equally, the degree to which they absorb the things they see and hear should make one very, very circumspect about their TV, and even internet and cellphone, activity. Violence, suggestive themes, lax morals and bad language are all too easily accessible in today's shows and video games, and they all have far-reaching social and behavioural implications. I think parents have a definite responsibility in this regard -- simply leaving Junior with the TV or Xbox as a babysitter is not the answer to realising his full potential or creating a better world for future generations. There are lots of helpful resources on this available, including this and this.

Have a lovely, tranquil weekend everyone!

be yourself; everyone else is already taken

Hi everyone, how have you been? I trust you're all doing well, in body and spirit. Please excuse my irregular blog visits for the present; I've been going through a bit of a challenging time these past days. Never fear, though -- the key thing is that I'm going through, and coming out victorious on the other side. I've been trusting God's perfect timing and I know I'm safe in His keeping.

Well, I've been wanting to write about something that's been on my mind a lot lately, but I know it's not something I can just churn out off the top of my head. Being largely housebound with an infant gives one lots of time for thought, and if there's one thing that's become very clear, it's that I'm one of those home-y people who really don't mind not going out at all. As I think I've mentioned before, going to the supermarket once a week is quite a sufficient high for me (and Book Depository is an added treat haha); but I'm not much into shopping, or partying -- being one of the "beautiful people" -- which, in my part of the world at least, seems to be the primary preoccupation of many.

I was thinking it's largely because of the nature of a modern city, and so wanted to write in greater detail about it. However, as I simply don't have the time to just yet -- I am in fact madly typing this while Becky's having her turn in the shower -- I will let it stew in my head for now. This evening though, I watched this wonderful episode of The Twilight Zone from 1964, which reminded me of it, and I just had to share. It's only about half an hour, so you could easily watch it over dessert or something. Overlook -- or snigger at -- the space age costumes and "modern" machines, and perhaps, like me, you'll be struck by how brilliant and prescient it is.

P.S. That quote in my title is by the much esteemed Oscar Wilde, who also said, "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation". You are absolutely beautiful just as you are -- have an inspired, blessed rest of the week; I'll see you soon!

on being really really blessed

Thank you so much everyone who left me such kind, supportive comments on my last post and who wrote me such warm, encouraging emails. They meant so much to me, far more than you could know -- it's just another proof of God's loving presence in my life. With such experience and revelation come a wonderful uplifting, and reassurance of God's faithfulness.

I was just telling my husband last night how much I love his mother's cheerful, optimistic, genuinely sanguine attitude. Once, she almost died from a terrible infection, but even through the long days of being in hospital, in pain and the doctors unable to come to any conclusions, she remained calm and unworried, listening to music on her little radio, and chatting just as usual to anyone who cared to.

Referring to how people either have a glass-half-full or half-empty approach to life, my husband says she's the sort who, even if she had just a quarter of an inch of water left in her glass, would still happily say "Look how much I have!" I really need to learn from her -- I think I am, bit by bit, by God's grace.

However, I did not intend this post to be entirely serious and reflective; while I have some free time now, I thought I'd also share with you some fun stuff the kids and I had been up to -- yay! For one thing, they finally got to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera!

There they are at the top, all-dressed up in their silk dresses -- I hadn't told them I was bringing them to see Phantom, despite the continual begging to for months; that night I told them we were going to a friend's wedding dinner, which they bought (in fact, I think they were rather looking forward to doing that).

It was great fun of course. I hadn't seen Phantom since I was in high school; it was fascinating watching it again over 25 years later, this time with children and the added pleasure of their enjoyment. Here, a little family portrait in the theatre lobby :)

Now this is what pure happiness looks like.

The place is humongous -- I'm always impressed by this gigantic "fountain" called the Rain Oculus.

Nothing quite like a sad little monkey with cymbals to bring on every poignant memory you've ever had. Read more here!

Then, there was our little staycation! O man, I can't tell you how much I needed and appreciated that time away. I mean, you know I love Jakey to bits, but sometimes one really does need to just kick back and zone out to avoid feeling completely overwhelmed. There's Becky doing the dance of joy.

And Ro doing hers.

A hotel mirror portrait with Becky almost two years after this one. Yeah, I'm pretty set in my sartorial ways.

The kids always welcome a swim. 

All wrapped up afterward.

And then of course -- those wonderful breakfasts. How indescribably uplifting to saunter downstairs and find tables full of comfort food just waiting to be picked! I wish I knew how they do their scrambled eggs -- smooth, and sort of creamy. I'm told I make great scrambled eggs, but I still want to know how hotels do theirs! What's your scrambled egg recipe?

Another mirror portrait, this time with Ro. You can see my super fashionable thumb splint here!

Fountain fun.

Feeling luxurious with complimentary drinks after an awesome time out.

Miss Too-Cool-For-School.

I was super glad to find these Japanese fish-shaped cakes called taiyaki. I haven't had these in eons, like since I was eight or something, and always associate them with outings with my Mom. This place -- called Ooki -- has the usual red bean filling which I love, but they have other cool flavours too, like chocolate, and ham and cheese. Becky and Ro were immediate converts!

Home after a hard day's shopping (I wanted to put the word home in quotes, but Becky said don't).

Our feelings whenever it's time to go. We'll be back though -- we'll be back!!!

Have a lovely, blessed week everyone! (More pictures here :)

on freaking, loneliness and love

Hi everyone! How have you been? I trust you are all keeping well in every sense! I'd been dealing with an infection over the past few days; thankfully, I'm well on the mend now, praise the Lord.

At the start, when it looked and felt particularly nasty, I must admit to giving in to some freaking, self-pity, and emotionalism (have you noticed how sometimes, when you're going through something especially challenging, you have this pathetic "poor me" feeling that you're the only one who has ever had to endure?). This may be connected to my wacky postpartum hormones, but I'm aware that freaking and worry are bugbears I'm still in the process of conquering. However, as Joyce Meyer always says, I'm not where I need to be yet, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!

Well, after a bout of freaking self-pitying emotionalism, I collected myself, sat down to earnestly pray, and had a sudden revelation. I felt in my spirit that the root of my anxiety was twofold; first -- an unrealistic, extreme sense of perfectionism (in this instance, not being a perfect mom because I was unwell), and therefore, second -- a fear of being alone and unloved because I wasn't perfect after all.

As I prayed, I felt with increasing conviction and clarity that I was not alone and unloved, that God was with me, and that He had in fact never left me; I realised -- as my whole life right up to the present moment flashed before me -- that I have in fact always been in His keeping, and He literally holds me up and carries me when I am weak.

I felt Him trying to impress upon me that I am never alone, however I may feel, that not only is He always with me through all the imperfections of this fallen world, but He has surrounded me with people who love me as unconditionally as humanly possible despite my flaws and weaknesses, and who will always be there for me as earthly reflections of God's divine faithfulness. In this life, I think, that is all you really need. Even if you aren't a Christian, the unconditional love of even one faithful friend is such a blessing, providing an invaluable strength, help, comfort and encouragement through life's various challenges.

This verse kept coming to my mind: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" (Deut 31:8). I have been meditating much on it, trying to really wrap my head around it and get it on the inside of me, rather than merely mouthing it at a superficial level without any real conviction.

Coincidentally, I am re-reading the book of Joshua at present; four times within just one chapter the Lord says, "Be strong and of good courage". Indeed, He says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Josh 1:9; italics mine).

In quite prosaic terms, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me, "Stop freaking. There is really no need to freak about anything, nor is there any point in doing so. Life is simply all sorts of things one after another -- just take them as they come with sanguinity, a divine peace, and also with gratitude -- better that than panic and worry, which only make one uselessly miserable. Get your mind off yourself and remember that this too shall pass". When I also hear my husband, and even Becky, telling me the same things, I feel certain God is impressing on me a life-changing revelation.

I was on the phone with my girlfriend during this time and in the course of the conversation asked that she please pray for me (I am quite certain her prayers are largely inspired by the Holy Spirit, for she is never even half as eloquent or wise in her regular speech -- sorry K, haha!). Well, I expected her to pray for healing, which she did, but then at the end, she suddenly branched off into something else altogether -- she prayed that my thinking would be renewed, that I would focus on the positive, and that I would always be thankful for my strong marriage and loving family. It was a reminder of how blessed I am, something one can easily forget in the midst of self-pity or worry.

I remember Mother Teresa once said, "Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty". I am so thankful for a husband and children who tirelessly remind me that I do not have to deal with either of these. I recall, too, reading an article where the actress Anne Hathaway said, "Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I'm most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me". I personally am fine with solitude and, indeed, sometimes welcome it; but since being married and having children, I have realised the joy not only of rowdy family, but also of solitude without loneliness.

Well, these have been my thoughts over the past few housebound days; I thought I'd share them with you, for they might perhaps be a word in season for someone, somewhere. These posts -- here, here and here -- came to my mind as well; I myself shall be re-reading them!

P.S. A more fun post coming up soon -- yay!

on Facebook and "friends"

Pooh and Piglet illustration by E.H. Shepard

Hi all, just a quick little post today (please forgive any typos, grammatical errors and general ineloquence -- I have to rush through these things for now you know lol!).

Well, I'd popped into Facebook, and while I was there, I decided to do something I'd been wanting to for awhile -- go through my already small Friends list and Unfriend anyone with whom I hadn't interacted for ages, and whom I knew ultimately didn't give two hoots about me or my family.

As I Unfriended these people, I wondered why I'd even Friended them to begin with; I concluded it had been some sort of vague sentimentality, or a fleeting excitement at touching base again with someone I hadn't seen for decades. But after the initial rush of "how have you beens", communication quickly died and we became largely indifferent to each other, so why keep them on, burdening them with boring updates about myself?

As you might guess, I am not one of those people who have hundreds and thousands of FB "friends". I don't quite understand the people who do, and can only conclude that they need them for work, or else they're immensely entertaining and popular, and simply can't help themselves.

My one girlfriend has some 300 friends, for instance; on asking her if she spoke with all these people regularly, or if she even really knew who they all were, she frankly admitted she didn't (I won't even ask the guy who has 2,346 "friends"). Some of them were people she'd met only once or twice at a meeting or a party and then never saw again; others were friends of friends of friends, people she didn't even know, but who seemed to feel compelled to extend their social ripple as widely, albeit meaninglessly, as possible.

I can't help but wonder how FB affects one's concept of friendship. Many people seem to use their status updates as substitutes for get-togethers, or phone calls; comments and emoticons are used to show interest or concern. There is a sort of superficiality about it all, an implication that all it takes is a quick click of a button to be considered a friend.

Considering all the activity I see people engaged in on FB, I realise I've barely scratched the surface of what the whole thing is about. It was ages before I finally joined the site -- while the rest of the world was already fully immersed in friending, poking and gaming -- and I did so eventually in order to get in touch with an old friend from university.

For me personally, FB is wonderfully useful for things like that, and keeping in touch with those who are overseas. I post the odd photo or comment now and then primarily to keep in touch with them, and that's about the extent of my FB activity. I'm rarely on, but the times I am, I see people posting a million and one things, from political gripes to what they eat every day.

(My personal bugbear were the posts detailing every little thing their kids said or did, so I was thrilled to discover the feature that lets one silence specific people who do that FB equivalent of taking out a whole string of photos from their wallet and shoving it at you. These are the sorts of things your friends would probably never do to you in person -- FB seems to bring out unaccountable things in some people).

Well, for some time I'd wanted to share an article I'd read in an old issue of Real Simple, entitled Feel Better Already. The subhead read: "So maybe you can't change your health overnight. But you can get a head start, with these 21 painless, proven ways to instantly boost your well-being (inside and out)". Well, who doesn't want to know these right!

But before I get into that, my girlfriend happened to send me an article from The Economist. I laughed out loud when I saw the title: Facebook is bad for you -- Get a life!

A recent study "has shown that the more someone uses Facebook, the less satisfied he is with life... Those who used Facebook a lot were more likely to report a decline in satisfaction than those who visited the site infrequently. In contrast, there was a positive association between the amount of direct social contact a volunteer had and how positive he felt. In other words, the more volunteers socialised in the real world, the more positive they reported feeling...".

An earlier study "found that the most common emotion aroused by using Facebook is envy. Endlessly comparing themselves with peers who have doctored their photographs, amplified their achievements and plagiarised their bons mots can leave Facebook's users more than a little green-eyed. Real-life encounters, by contrast, are more WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get)" (from The Economist; read the article in its entirety here).

Well, back to the Real Simple article. Obviously I can't copy the whole thing out here, but I'll quickly share with you a few pointers. Hopefully, you'll be able to find a back issue or the article online if you're really interested (following extracts from Real Simple, April 2013).

One, Smile -- especially if you don't feel like it. "When you smile, you trigger a psychological and neurobiological alignment with positive emotions, and that can lead to healthier living. In other words: Fake it till you make it". I agree!

Here's another: Snack on dark chocolate (yay!). "In addition to its other documented health benefits, dark chocolate may help sharpen your mind... Even better, science has found evidence for what you suspected all along: Chocolate may help take the edge of stress". Get to it, people!

Then: Try Nature's chill pills. "Take a bath with Epsom salts... Put 10 drops of lavender oil (also shown to help promote a state of calm) in 2 cups of Epsom salts. Add to warm water and soak in it for 20 minutes". Those of you with bathtubs, let me know how this goes!

Next: Take a hike. Research has found that "being in nature can improve cognitive function. In one study, an hour-long trek in a woody park improved subjects' performances on memory and attention tests by as much as 20%, compared with a walk in an urban environment. Furthermore, some Japanese research has shown that a day spent in the forest can improve immune function and decrease concentrations of adrenaline and cortisol for as long as a week". Tiny remnant rainforest, here I come!

Then: Get some "microexercise". "Studies show that everything from cognition to the lymphatic system improves if we are more consistently active throughout the day... [Researchers] found that those who got short bouts of exercise (between 1 and 10 minutes) through everyday activities experienced the same benefits, including lower blood pressure and cholesterol, as did those who continuously exercised for 30 minutes". Does getting a cup of tea from the kitchen count?

Next: Pull on socks at bedtime. "Swiss researchers found that people fall asleep faster when their hands and feet are warmer than the ambient temperature of the bedroom". Also if you can get your baby to sleep through the night.

And finally -- Get some perspective on Facebook. Researchers have found that "Facebook can make you feel bad about yourself, even if you're not conscious of it. People in the study who had large friend networks tended to evaluate their lives more negatively... people tend to post disproportionately positive updates... Also, the more friends you have, the more of those impossibly perfect updates you'll probably see". Yay for my tiny handful of real FB friends!

Have a super, feel-good start to the week everyone (and go for a walk with a friend)!

take my advice...

Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late, by Mo Willems

While Mommy was sitting with Jacob, she read an article in a magazine called Junior and asked if I could type parts of it out to share with you! Of course I said OK, because I love typing! (There are some bad swear words, but I know they're bad and not to use them).

The article is a regular feature in the magazine called Ask Katie. The subhead says Everyone has an opinion when it comes to raising children -- just make sure you keep yours to yourself. Mommy says it is funny and well-written -- and she says OF COURSE no one we know is like this!!

"[We] just carry on looking after our children with a variety of techniques ranging from military-style regimes, to barely-coping strategies. It works. Aside from the odd wobble -- when your child comes up with something totally left-field -- we know what we are doing. It's just a pity that other people don't believe us.

"You may get an inkling of what you're in for before your child is even born, as an avalanche of unwanted advice, ideas, opinions and crackpot theories is proffered. And it gets worse after your baby is born. Why won't people just shut up? Having been subjected to interfering family, friends and complete bloody strangers since I started to show a slight bump, I have formulated my own crackpot theory on this.

"Despite what they might say when under the influence of alcohol, most people don't know how to end world poverty or solve the economic crisis. They simply don't have the necessary experience. But hey, everybody has been a child, which they think makes them perfectly qualified to tell you how to bring up yours.

"So, while powerless to do anything about sub-prime mortgages, they will sound off at great length about how you should put your baby to bed, what you should give your child to eat, wear, play with or think, how to impart discipline and why children today are so spoilt and badly behaved.

"Ask yourself this -- how many times have you been told -- unsolicited -- how to bring up your child and what you are doing wrong? And how many times has anybody told you: "My, aren't you doing a good job"? Exactly.

"Of course, not everyone goes on at great length. But wordless condemnation is just as bad. The accumulated sighs, harrumphs, pursed lips and significant looks that a mother is subjected to can be enough to send her completely off her rocker... Mothers themselves are particularly good at doing this, so take a vow right now NEVER to do it yourself when the grandchildren arrive.

"There are times when we could all do with the odd word of kindly encouragement, but I fail to see why people take it on themselves to tell you how to do your job with such wearying regularity, when you haven't asked their opinion.

"When my daughter was a baby, people told me what she should wear (that is, they didn't like my taste in clothes), when I should pick her up (because that's how they treated their own children)... I even had a complete stranger in a lift criticise the shape of my pram (don't know what her bloody excuse was).

"They just never stop. And they never, ever will. So all you can really do is let all the criticism wash over you and do as you damn well please. Just don't start telling other people where you think they're going wrong" (extracted from Junior magazine, issue 162).

Have a super weekend everyone!!!

on modesty, and the lack thereof

Baby Blues, by Jerry Scott and Rick Kirkman

Thank you so much everyone for your sweet, thoughtful comments on my last post -- they really made me smile! Please bear with my irregular visits for now -- I'm a sleepy, windy, nasally-congested whale at present lol!

I'm writing this post bit by bit because it's been sufficiently... irritating? bothering? dismaying?... me for awhile now. I guess the final "provocation" was the latest issue of US Vogue which I saw at my gynae's, where the source of this annoyance is "gracing" the cover and being gushingly celebrated within.

Kate Upton is the "American Dream Girl", the cover says, and "The hottest supermodel on Earth". Dream girl? Hottest? Really? This is the planet's epitome of female beauty and charm? Well, I think I'll take these claims with a grain of salt -- despite Vogue being the world's most influential fashion magazine -- or else I'll really start freaking like Darryl MacPherson in the strip above.

"What makes the Kate Upton era so unlikely is that the things we love about her -- those curves! that personality! -- defy what the word model has come to mean, at least on the runway: a seemingly endless procession of lanky, expressionless wraiths", writes the author for the spread within. "[Upton has] come to regard her healthy body as a point of pride... 'I love my body. It's what God gave me! I feel confident with myself, and if that inspires other women to feel confident with their bodies, great'".

Now obviously I'm all in favour of healthy bodies and a balanced love of one's self. Many people struggle with self-loathing and crippling insecurities about their physical appearance, and a good role model in the media is always welcome. However, if Ms Upton's concept of self-confidence means saying things like, "In Miami, boobs are fantastic. I was so proud of them. I was so excited. Are you kidding? I'm in Florida, and I'm constantly in bikinis. I was like, Yes! Killing it! All the girls on the beach are gonna be so jealous!", then I'll have to pass.

Yes, God gave us our bodies, but I don't think He gave them to us to do the Cat Daddy in a skimpy bikini for a Terry Richardson video. Does being confident mean doing that? Terry Richardson of course is not particularly renowned for tastefulness, and anyone dancing the Cat Daddy virtually naked can hardly be expected to look anything other than vulgar. Yet this is what is being celebrated in today's society. This is what is being lauded as female beauty and desirability, and more importantly, this is what our young daughters are being told is appropriate and acceptable.

Have you seen the way the majority of young girls dress when they're out in the mall, or even at church? I wonder how their parents can let them, or bear it. Kate Upton did the Cat Daddy video last year, when she was just 19; how did her parents feel? Her father especially? At 19, I was studying for exams and trying to figure out what to major in -- I don't think my parents would have been at all thrilled to know that a million men were making coarse, impure remarks about my body parts.

But what's wrong with that, many today would ask. Anyone who's said anything at all negative about Ms Upton has been labelled "jealous", and perhaps some of them are, but I'm sure there are some people out there who, like me, really just wonder at the distorted state of our morals, our lack of shame, and our seared sense of purity and continence.

According to IMG's senior VP, Upton is "a twenty-first century model". When the world's top model management company says things like that, people -- young women especially -- take note: Oh, so that's how you get to the top; so that's what beauty is. Are modesty and chastity outdated values of some lost, bygone era?

"For this is the will of God, that you should be consecrated (separated and set apart for pure and holy living): that you should abstain and shrink from all sexual vice, that each one of you should know how to possess (control, manage) his own body in consecration (purity, separated from things profane) and honour,

"Not [to be used] in the passion of lust like the heathen, who are ignorant of the true God and have no knowledge of His will... For God has not called us to impurity but to consecration [to dedicate ourselves to the most thorough purity]" (1 Thess 4:3-7).

What's the big deal about doing the Cat Daddy while falling out of a bikini? As one YouTube viewer said in response to a critic, "Why should you care? This doesn't affect you at all". Doesn't it? When it's all over the media, and being avidly celebrated and glorified? How can it not affect the women who see this as a standard; how can it not affect the men who look at this in lust? How can it not affect the way young girls perceive and respect their own bodies, or the way boys regard and treat their female friends or dates? "'I have the right to do anything,' you say -- but not everything is beneficial" wrote the apostle Paul.

In the increasing moral laxity of the world we live in, it's a challenge to raise children who will not "run hand in hand with them in the same excesses of dissipation" (1 Pet 4:4). We are daily inundated with lewd images, stories, lyrics -- how important it is to keep a watchful eye on our daughters and ensure that neither they, nor we ourselves, behave in such a manner as to be a temptation and a snare to others. "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman without discretion" (Prov 11:22).

Sexual immorality accounts for much of society's troubles I think -- failed and failing marriages; crimes against young girls and women; unwanted pregnancies; selfish, dishonourable modes of living. In a wonderful article entitled Teaching Your Daughters to Value Modesty, FamilyLife Canada instructor Cathy Reynolds writes, "... even when shopping for basic items like jeans and t-shirts, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find attractive, fashionable clothes for young girls that don’t show off a whole lot of skin. Tube tops, crop tops, clingy fabrics, low-cut dresses and low-rise jeans are all the rage...

"Given the current state of things, does modesty even matter anymore? Our culture tells us no, and we've been so affected by the world around us that sometimes we don't even stop to think about what our appearance says about us, or how it measures up to God's standards.

"God calls us to a life of purity, and modesty is a natural outworking of a pure heart. A speaker I heard recently told of young men in her church youth group who were complaining about what the girls in the group were wearing. These boys were sincerely coming to youth group to worship God, and they really felt that they were being distracted from that and even led astray by the immodest dress of the girls in the group. They didn't know where to look, and it was very hard on them as they tried to obey God and keep from lusting.

"Keep in mind that these were boys who were actively fighting against temptation. Imagine the impact of improper dress on men who have serious lust problems, or who don't even recognize it as a problem. I think that the proliferation of pornography and blatant sexual messages in our society today is linked to widespread immodest dress. What once would have been considered unacceptable and risqué is now not just accepted, but commonplace. No wonder some men have great difficulty in this area!...

"The way in which a girl dresses will also impact the kind of guy she attracts, which will in turn impact their behaviours and attitudes toward sex. As one young lady shared, "I know that the kind of things that I wear draw a certain kind of guy. And ultimately the guy that I want to have as a husband is a guy that’s committed to purity...

"You want to help them to understand why modesty is such an important character issue and teach them to make good decisions on their own. We've found it very helpful to be able to give our daughters reasons as to the suitability or unsuitability of a piece of apparel. It's good to be able to explain to them how a young man regards some of their fashion choices...

"Adult clothing styles are being mini-sized to fit young girls... this has led to the sexualization of pre-teen girls seeking to emulate their media heroes. And it's not just the clothes that are being adopted, but also the attitudes toward life in general and sexuality in particular. Kids are being made to grow up faster than ever before.

"We can diminish the influence of media by helping our daughters make wise choices concerning TV programs, videos, movies, music and reading material. It's important to begin at an early age to instill values and guidelines for making discerning choices. Talk about these choices in entertainment and fashion selection with your tweens and teens before they ever become issues...

"It is important to tell your daughter how beautiful she is, so that she doesn't have to go outside the family to hear this message. Even more vital than praising her appearance, though, is affirming her character. We need to counteract our culture's influence by placing value on what God values – the inner heart and character of an individual. The Bible says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov 31:30)" (read this article in its entirety here).

These are all things that mean a great deal to me as I endeavour to raise wise, virtuous young women in a world where Ms Upton's gyrations are described by Vogue as "improbably wholesome". While brazen lewdness and immodesty seem to be the order of the day, I certainly do not want to perpetuate, or contribute to it. Hopefully -- as with maxi skirts, vintage-cut swimsuits, and wearing pink -- modesty, refinement and delicacy will soon come back into style.